


Misery Never Goes Out Of Style: Part 2

by helvonasche



Series: Misery [2]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Biting, Dummies being dummies..., F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-01-07 21:55:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12241362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helvonasche/pseuds/helvonasche
Summary: Part 2... when shit got.. dumber. Sorry, but people being dumbies and not doing what they're supposed to.. like talking about their feelings or even being honest to themselves.. it's like crack. Enjoy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sunday was a blur, much like Saturday evening, and Jiyong felt like he was invincible. Granted, the two of you hadn’t spoken much, but he had a good idea of where things were going. You had left late on Sunday, and he went to bed feeling more comfortable in his own skin than he had in years.

Sunday was a blur, much like Saturday evening, and Jiyong felt like he was invincible. Granted, the two of you hadn’t spoken much, but he had a good idea of where things were going. You had left late on Sunday, and he went to bed feeling more comfortable in his own skin than he had in years.

Waking up and getting ready for the day, he was looking forward to work. Another song could easily be finished this week, hopefully by Saturday. Pulling into the garage of the studio, he got out and walked to the elevator, his head full of thoughts of you. He’d beaten you to the studio by half an hour, and started getting setup to record.

Seunghyun was the next to arrive, and Jiyong had to fight the urge to tell him about the weekend. He’d never been the type to brag or even share the details of his relationships, and he wasn’t going to start now. However, there was a part of him that wanted to, he felt so good and knew that Seunghyun wouldn’t begrudge him that, but Jiyong didn’t say a word. This is how he thought he would feel at this point in his career when he was a trainee. Fame was never enough, awards, it didn’t matter as much as someone wanting him for him, rather than what he could do for them.

A few minutes later, you walked in, and Jiyong couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face, but it didn’t last. As soon as his eyes met yours, you looked away and he couldn’t miss the look of shame on your face. His mind raced as to what could have happened. Jiyong started to panic as you sat next to Seunghyun on the couch and pulled out your laptop. Thoughts that he had done something wrong and reanalyzing the last time he spoke to you, he tried to figure out how he had been so misguided.

* * *

Getting your shoes on and checking your phone, you didn’t know what to do. Your ride was waiting downstairs but Jiyong was still in the shower. It would be rude, after everything, to just leave, but you couldn’t wait much longer before the driver would start to get irritated. Walking back toward his bedroom, you said, “Ji, the car is waiting, I gotta go.”

“Hold on!” he shouted, and you heard the water shut off. A minute later, he was stepping out of his bathroom, towel around his hips as he walked toward you, “You could stay here.”

“Ji, I told you,” you said as he stood in front of you, “I need a shower, clean clothes…”

“I know,” he said, ducking his head, “I’ll see you in the morning.”

When he lifted his head, you started rethinking staying over. He pulled you close, pressing his lips to yours and your hands were on his sides. Resting his forehead and damp hair against your forehead, he whispered, “Text me when you get home.”

Flustered, as usual, you nodded. He kissed you again and you wanted to stay so bad it started to ache, but he stepped back, breaking the spell.

On the ride home, you thought about everything that had happened and what it could mean. You weren’t naive, but you couldn’t help the hope that was building inside you. The idea that you could have your career and someone like Jiyong seemed plausible. He had a career of his own, and wouldn’t stop you from pursuing your dream, if anything he’d encourage you.

That’s when it dawned on you: what was this? Your heart sank when you thought about all that had happened and how little talking there had been. Yes, you’d learn how to give head, but you didn’t know how he felt and he didn’t know how you felt. By the time you were laying down to sleep, you were certain that if he had wanted more than sex he would have said something. Things like that were never implied, they were explicitly stated, and all you knew with any certainty was that he liked having sex with you.

* * *

The day dragged. He wasn’t able to talk to you and he refused to text. By lunchtime, he decided that he couldn’t ignore his nagging worries. Leaning back in his chair and turning to face the others in the room, Jiyong said, “Let’s go out for lunch.”

Twenty minutes later, you were sliding into a booth between Seunghyun and Daesung, Jiyong sitting on the other side by Youngbae and Seungri. As you looked through the menu, you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket and your eyes snapped up to see Jiyong staring at you. Making the somewhat risky decision to have whatever Seunghyun was going to order without knowing what it was exactly, you pulled your phone out of your pocket and unlocked it.

Before you could reply, the waiter was at the table and you had to order. Once you were done, you knew you had to reply to Jiyong’s text, but you didn’t know how. Could you really explain all this in a text, or would it be better to tell him that you were fine? You didn’t want to lie to him or hide this from him, that hadn’t worked last time and if anything had made everything worse.

As soon as you sent the text, you knew it wasn’t right and could feel his eyes on you. You looked up and he was glaring at you then staring at his lap. Your phone vibrated in your hand and you were tempted to not read it.

You glanced up from your phone, and he was talking to Seungri about the chorus to the song that they were working on. Jiyong was usually able to do this, put his mask on and act like nothing was wrong. You knew you needed to be careful about all of this, but you were naturally pessimistic when it came to these sort of things. Not wanting to force him into anything, you didn’t reply to him. When your food came, you were thoroughly distracted and had to insist that you didn’t want to try Daesung’s fermented stingray.

* * *

“Well, I’ve had enough,” Seungri said, coming out of the booth.

Jiyong leaned back in his chair, rubbing the back of his neck as he asked, “Heading home?”

Seungri nodded, grabbing his bag and packing up, “What time do I need to be in tomorrow, hyung?”

Thinking for a moment, Jiyong replied, “6am, and make sure you get sleep tonight.”

Seungri rolled his eyes as he turned to leave, smiling at you as he opened the door and leaned against it, “Don’t work too late you two.”

“We won’t,” you said, looking up from your laptop.

This wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last that you had gotten lost in your work. As Seungri closed the door, you realized that you and Jiyong were alone. Leaning back and stretching your arms, you tried to stay calm.

“Hungry?” Jiyong asked as he started to shut down the studio for the night.

It was only 8pm, much earlier than the normal time that he would stop working for the night and your panic was starting to build. Closing your laptop and giving in to the inevitable, you said, “I suppose.”

He stood up from the desk and grabbed his bag, shouldering it as he watched you pack, he suggested, “We can pick something up and go to my place.”

Your head jerked up to look at him, and your panic was gone. He looked so worried, almost scared as he waited for you to reply. Standing and taking a few steps toward him, you said, “Sounds good.”

He smiled as he opened the door for you and followed you to the elevator. Jiyong hoped that whatever was going on with you would be easy to resolve, considering how easy it had been to get you to come back to his apartment. The familiar excitement from being alone with you was taking over and he wondered if tonight was going to be better than the day before.

* * *

Walking ahead of you and unlocking the door, you hoped that you weren’t making a mistake. You weren’t certain that you could tell him that you had feelings for him. Deciding that if he brought it up, you’d come clean, but if he didn’t, then you’d keep this to yourself. You weren’t even sure if he’d want to have sex again, never mind trying to have a relationship, and the idea that at some point people would find out was more than you wanted to think about. You went to his kitchen, grabbing plates while he got some wine and glasses, you followed him to the living room.

As the two of you ate, Jiyong tried to think about how to ask what he needed to ask. The rational thing to do was to tell you the truth, but after everything, he knew that would be a mistake. Setting his glass down after finishing the last of his wine, he asked, “Do you want to talk about earlier?”

“Um…” you said as you tried to find the right words. This was such a foreign concept for you and you didn’t want to say the wrong thing or assume anything. Figuring that being honest was best, you replied, “Sure.”

Jiyong got up, grabbing his glass and yours, and asked as he walked to the kitchen, “Are you okay?”

 _Shit_ , you thought as you said, “Yes and no.”

When he came back to the living room and sat down next to you, handing you your glass, he didn’t say a word. You worried your bottom lip for a moment before continuing, “It’s not like last time, I just… don’t know what this is.”

“Okay,” Jiyong said, elated that you weren’t mad and wanted clarification. He was more than happy to have this conversation now, as he said, “Well, we’re friends.”

“We fucked,” you blurted, staring at him as you watched his cheeks flush, “For most of a day.”

Unsure again, Jiyong said, his voice cautious, “…and it was fun.”

Taking a large drink, the wine making your cheeks bulge as you swallowed, you asked, “Is that what you want?”

Sipping his wine, Jiyong didn’t know how to reply. If he said yes, but you wanted more, then you’d get hurt. If he said no, confessed that he wanted more but you didn’t, then it would all be over. As he swallowed and set his glass down, he met your eyes and replied softly, “If you do.”

“I might,” you said, trying to stay calm at the idea of being fuck buddies with Jiyong. It wasn’t ideal, but it could work. The unexpected bonus being that you were literally going to have your cake and eat it too without having to make some ridiculous declaration.

He ran his hand through his hair as he said, “If you aren’t comfortable with-”

You kissed him. No build up, no preamble, but you couldn’t keep having this conversation. You had leaned over, but now you were trying to push him back, to get him to lay down on the couch so you could show him how comfortable you were with this. Like Saturday night, it wouldn’t do any good to try to talk about this, he’d be second-guessing himself with ever word you said. The best part was how he seemed to relax beneath you.

Sitting up now that you were on top of him, you grinned as you pulled your shirt over your head and unhooked your bra. His hands were on your back as he looked up at you, and said, “Condoms are in my bedroom.”

Rolling your hips and feeling how hard he already was, you smirked, “Don’t need them yet.”

“You think you’re in charge?” he asked, grinning up at you.

“I know I am,” you replied, taking his hands and putting them on your chest.

Jiyong sat up, wrapping his arms around you and standing. You wrapped your legs around his waist as he started walking, shrieking when he slapped your ass before he dropped you on his bed. When you saw him lifting his shirt, you didn’t waste any time in getting your leggings and underwear off. He opened the drawer next to his bed, pulling out a condom and putting it on as you laid down on the bed.

You watched him stroke his cock a few times, before you spread your legs, dropping your hand to tease yourself. Jiyong climbed between your legs, holding himself up with one arm as he slowly entered you, “Stay tonight.”

Distracted for a moment by what he was doing, you said, “I can’t.” He stilled, worried that this was a line you had made to keep from getting too close, when you continued, “I don’t have any clothes, or anything. Next time?”

Grinning as he pulled back and thrust into you, he said, “We can go pick up your stuff when we finish.” Sitting up and pulling you to the edge of the bed, he started to tease you. Not going as hard or fast as you liked, “Then we can come back here….” he snapped his hips, making you moan before he said, “…and I’ll do whatever you want.”

“Oh my god,” you groaned, “What about… getting to… work?”

He grinned down at you, the solution was obvious to him as he started to increase his pace, “You can ride with me… we get in before everyone else…”

“Don’t stop,” you whispered, your hand reaching out for him and he gave in.

Leaning down as your hands wrapped around his neck and your legs around his hips, Jiyong whispered, “Cum for me, kitten.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grinning to himself, Jiyong grabbed his bag when his car showed up and headed out the door. You had left an hour earlier, even though Jiyong had insisted that no one would know that you showed up together. He knew why you were adverse to showing up together, it was the same reason he thought he should have: privacy. But he didn’t want to keep what he had with you a secret, and he was having a hard time not texting Seunghyun or Daesung.

Grinning to himself, Jiyong grabbed his bag when his car showed up and headed out the door. You had left an hour earlier, even though Jiyong had insisted that no one would know that you showed up together. He knew why you were adverse to showing up together, it was the same reason he thought he should have: privacy. But he didn’t want to keep what he had with you a secret, and he was having a hard time not texting Seunghyun or Daesung.

Although there was no definition, other than the two of you were having sex, Jiyong was content. He was rarely comfortable in a relationship. Either worrying about when the boot would drop or wondering when he could end it, but not this time. Even though he was still being careful, Jiyong couldn’t help but feel optimistic. He finally had something to look forward to, someone who made him feel like he was more than an idol, like he wasn’t replaceable by someone younger, more talented, or who had more money.

Getting out of the car and into the elevator, Jiyong could smell your shampoo in the small space and knew you were already in the studio. As he walked in, he felt his lips turn up in a smile when he noticed it was only you in the studio. Setting his bag next to the desk, he asked, “Is it just us?”

Pulling out an earbud, you nodded, “No one else is going to be in until around 8.”

“And it’s barely 5,” Jiyong said as he walked up behind your chair, resting his hands on your shoulders.

Looking up at him as you turned around, you handed him a coffee, “It’s almost 5 and we have work to do,  _boss_.”

“You could at least say ‘good morning’,” he grumbled before taking the coffee.

He didn’t move, simply standing in front of you and you couldn’t resist. No one else was even in the building beside security, and they were on the ground floor. Getting to your feet, you draped your arms around his neck and whispered, “I already said ‘good morning’.”

“Didn’t count,” he said, wrapping an arm around your waist to pull you closer, “Say it again.”

Giggling and ducking your head, you looked up at him and said, “Good morning.”

“Morning,” he muttered as he leaned close and pressed his lips to yours.

It was more difficult than you thought breaking the kiss and getting back to work. Resting a hand on his chest, you said with a sigh, “Back to work.”

* * *

“Okay… yeah… I know…” you said into your phone. Soonho had been running through every detail of the next video, but he didn’t seem to need any input, just someone to tell it to. As you paced outside the studio, only taking a few key notes about when you’d need to be where, you had spent the last twenty minutes just listening to him.

For this video, it wasn’t just Jiyong and the concept was much larger. The most important part for you was to show up and do what Soonho said, it was that simple. It wasn’t until he brought up the timeline that you had to ask him for clarification, “What do you mean ‘my tour prep’?”

“ _Your responsibilities while on tour, Y/N_ ,” Soonho said, his voice concerned, “ _Didn’t you get that email?_ ”

You were pretty sure that if you were going on tour with them you would have noticed, but Soonho wasn’t the type to mess with you. Thinking as rationally as you could, you said, “I don’t think so, but I can check when I get off the phone. Want to send it again, just in case?”

After another ten minutes of Soonho talking about the tentative tour schedule, your mind raced. You weren’t nervous, not really, it was just a lot to take in. The vague notion that you might have to go on tour had been in the back of your mind, but you didn’t think that you’d actually have to. Finally getting off the phone, you quietly entered the studio and checked your email.

Soonho, always on top of everything, had already resent it. Each line you read made your heart sink. You weren’t so much a producer as you were Soonho’s assistant, but there were worse things. As you read the email again, you saw the one upside of going on tour: traveling with Jiyong. Reviewing the schedule, you noticed that there were a few days spent at each city before and after each show. As they recorded, you got back to work so Soonho wouldn’t explode. He was high-strung and calm at the same time, it was sort of impressive when he’d get frustrated because he worked so hard to keep from showing it.

* * *

The rest of the day went quick. You were able to put on headphones so you could concentrate, and completely zone out on getting through your emails. When you felt the couch move next to you, you didn’t look up until you felt someone leaning into you and now familiar lips against your neck. Your eyes snapped up and the room was empty.

As your panic subsided, you tilted your head and heard Jiyong chuckle as you asked, “All done for the day?”

He didn’t move away as he whispered against your skin, “Seungri just left, it’s just us.” He rested his hand against your cheek and turned your face toward him, “We need to get food.”

“Is that code?” you asked, watching as he closed your laptop.

Jiyong placed your laptop on the table and started pushing you back as he knelt above you, “No, we really do need to eat.”

As he settled between your legs, you said, “This isn’t how people get food.”

“I know,” Jiyong said, lowering himself so he could whisper in your ear, “I just missed you.”

Hearing him say that felt good, but it made you wonder for a second if he missed you or what you were doing. You knew that guys were like that, and Jiyong was a guy, it was entirely possible that he just wanted sex from you. For now, that wasn’t a problem, because if you were really honest with yourself, that’s all you could really handle.

Placing your hands on his hips as he kissed your neck, you said, “As much as I enjoy this, we should probably get food and, you know, not do this here.”

Jiyong sighed, resting his head on your shoulder, “Just five more minutes.”

“Ji,” you said, pushing at his chest, “What if someone comes in?”

He sat up, studying your face as he reiterated your question, “What if someone comes in?”

“Won’t it be bad… if someone sees us… like this?” you asked, anxiety growing with each word. You watched as disappointment washed over him and wanted to tell him that you didn’t care about that, you were worried about him. He couldn’t be found making out in the studio with one of his producers, it would be a living nightmare, but you couldn’t get the words out.

Sitting on the couch properly, he muttered, “You’re right, let’s go.”

As he got up and walked to the desk to grab his bag, you blurted, “We don’t have to… If you don’t want to.”

“If I don’t want to?” he asked as he turned around, shouldering his bag, “Do you want to?”

This was your chance, not necessarily to tell him exactly how you felt, but at least to tell him that you did want to do this with him. Standing and getting your laptop into your bag, you walked over to him. He didn’t move as you approached, watching you as you got closer and pressed your lips to his cheek, “Let’s go.”

He held the door open for you, but neither of you said a word until you were getting out of the elevator. You bumped into him as you turned to the parking garage, but he kept walking straight ahead toward the main entrance. Jiyong pulled out his surgical mask and his hood as he kept walking, “Your place tonight.”

“What should we get to eat?” you asked as you tried to remember what was between the studio and your apartment.

He shrugged as he pushed the door open. You ended up walking all the way to your apartment, not stopping at the two restaurants on the way. Setting your bag on your couch once you were inside, you said, “I’ll order something, then?”

Jiyong didn’t know what was wrong with him. This is what he wanted, but it wasn’t enough. He knew why, Jiyong wanted more, but he was also aware that he couldn’t have that. Taking off his mask, he tried to sound like he was fine as he said, “Sounds good.”

You watched him as he sat on your couch and pulled out his phone. Shaking your head to get the nagging concern that something was wrong out of your head, you ordered food. Once you were done, you asked, “Do you want something to drink?”

Jiyong was unable to get the idea that things had backtracked out of his head. He didn’t feel comfortable and knew that having a drink or two would help. Putting his phone on the table and getting up, he said, “I can get it.” The atmosphere was tense, and he wanted it to go back to how it was before you pointed out the obvious. Things were good, but now there was the undeniable knowledge that he couldn’t tell anyone about you. It didn’t make what the two of you were doing exciting, it seemed tainted now, like what you were doing was wrong.

As he poured you both a glass of wine, he tried to think of how to bring this up without making it seem like he needed more. Joining you on the couch and handing you your glass of wine, he realized that he couldn’t do it, not now. He needed more time. He needed to be certain you weren’t going to run if he asked for more.

After the longest twenty minutes of silence, the doorbell rang and you got up to get the food. The two of you ate in silence and your mind raced. You didn’t know what to say to him. It was obvious he was upset, but you didn’t think it could be about what you’d said. He had to know that if other people found out that the two of you were fooling around there would be repercussions. Considering the situation, it was best to keep it a secret, he had to know that.

Once finished, you checked the time and knew that if you were going to say anything, you had to do it now. You needed at least a few hours of sleep. Putting the dishes in the sink, you turned around to go back to the couch, but he was already standing. He had his bag in his hand and his hood up as he said, “I think I’m gonna go.”

“Why?” you asked, not thinking but simply reacting to what was going on. You were so confused how he went from jumping you in the studio to the sullen creature in front of you.

He couldn’t look at you as he said, “I just…”

“You know that if other people found out, it would be a nightmare, right?” you said as you did your best to stay calm.

Sighing and rubbing his eyes, he said, “Yeah, I know, but-”

When he didn’t say anything, you asked, “But what?”

“Nothing,” he replied, pushing his hood back, “I don’t know.”

Another stretch of silence, and you couldn’t stand it. This wishy-washy bullshit needed to end. Even if you didn’t have a real relationship with him, he was your friend and he seemed to enjoy banging your brains in. Pouring yourself another glass of wine and taking a drink, you asked, “Do you want to stay over tonight?”

“Of course I do,” he said.

“Then stay,” you said before taking another drink and setting your glass down. Walking around him and lifting your shirt over your head, dropping it on the floor as you walked to your room, you said over your shoulder, “I need a shower.”

You heard his bag hit the floor followed by his footsteps coming up behind you before his arms were around your waist. “I might need a shower too,” he said as you awkwardly walked into your bedroom.

Turning around to face him, you plucked at his hoodie and said, “Can’t take a shower with clothes on, Ji.”

He grinned down at you, hoping you were suggesting what he thought you were as he took a step back and unzipped his hoodie. Dropping his hoodie then his shirt on the floor, like you had, he asked, “Need any help?”

“Nope,” you said as you bent and took off your leggings and panties, “But I am really concerned about the environment.”

For a moment he panicked, thinking he had misread the situation, and he tried to play into what you had started, “We should conserve water… for the environment.”

“Yeah, but you’re still wearing too much,” you said as you walked past him to your bathroom. Walking into the small room, you could hear him moving around in your bedroom before you turned on the water.

As you got the temperature right and grabbed two towels, you took a deep breath. Up until now you had been running on adrenaline, able to act like you were considerably more confident than you actually were, but reality was sinking in. Hanging the towels on the bar next to the shower, you spent too long straightening them, your back to the door, when you felt his hands on you.

He ran his knuckles up and down your spine, barely touching you. Lifting your head and ignoring the thoughts in your head, you turned around and looked up at him. It wasn’t like you two had actually fought. What had happened earlier was a misunderstanding that had been cleared up, but you were back to feeling unsure about where you stood with him. The way he was looking at you still made your stomach lurch, but it was soured by the idea you’d had earlier, that all he wanted was sex.

“Something wrong?” he asked as he reached out to tuck your hair behind your ear.

“No, just cold,” you lied. It was more likely that you were actually a muppet than it was for you to tell him what was wrong. You knew your thoughts were nothing more than paranoid bullshit, so you pushed them away as best you could as you pulled the shower curtain back and stepped in.

He waited for you to get in, his eyes lingering on your body before he joined you. Standing in front of you, so the warm water ran down your back, he said, “Tilt your head back.”

Doing as he said, even though you had expected him to push you against the wall, you couldn’t help but sigh as you felt his fingers in your hair. He made sure your hair was completely wet before he asked, “Where’s your shampoo?”

Pointing at the black bottle on the shelf in the wall, you watched as he squeezed some of the shampoo into his palm. His hands were back in your hair and after a moment he asked you to turn around. Facing away from him, you were able to relax even more as he massaged your scalp. Using his hands, he turned you around again and rinsed your hair, but you kept your eyes closed.

What he was doing was not what you had expected when you thought up the shower idea. You’d assumed he’d skip actually taking a shower and get down to business, but that seemed to be the last thing on his mind as he worked the conditioner into your hair. Once he had rinsed that out of your hair, he grabbed the bar of soap and was carefully cleaning your body. You couldn’t really process what he was doing, only experience it as you felt his hands work from your neck downward.

As his hands moved lower, you again assumed that he would do one thing, when he did the opposite. His hand dipped between your legs, causing you to bite your bottom lip, but then it was gone. He turned you to face the shower to rinse the soap off, and you realized that you were clean but he wasn’t.

Without a word, you moved him under the water and tilted his head back. He was probably used to using expensive shampoo and conditioner, but he didn’t say a word as you worked. Like he had done, you cleaned and conditioned his hair, then grabbed the soap, but he didn’t close his eyes. He watched every movement you made as you cleaned his body. Unlike you, it was obvious that he was enjoying this, but you took the hint and made sure to only clean him.

As you ran your hands across his chest, smiling at the Dragon Ball Z tattoo, it hit you why this was different. This was intimate. This wasn’t something fuck buddies did. Glancing up at him and your cheeks burned when your eyes met his. He was watching you so intently, and he looked so serious, it wasn’t what you had expected for your evening when you got up that morning.

Hands on his shoulders as you turned him away from you to rinse, you were able to breathe for a moment. Without his intense gaze, your brain raced to figure out what all of this could mean, but you needed to stop thinking about the ‘what ifs’. All you knew with any certainty was that you were his friend that he liked to fuck you, and nothing more. Getting ahead of yourself, or trying to make something out of nothing would only cause problems.

“All clean,” you said, your voice sounding unfamiliar after not speaking for so long.

As he turned to face you, your mind went blank and you didn’t care what any of this might mean. He shut off the shower and grabbed one of the towels, wrapping it around your shoulders before getting the other for himself. Stepping out of the shower you took your towel off and bent to wrap your hair, when you heard him groan.

Twisting the towel and standing up, you asked, “You okay?”

He was leaning against the vanity, gripping his towel tight around his waist, as he nodded, “Do you… um… need another towel?”

You tried not to smile, his voice had cracked noticeably, and it gave you a slight boost of confidence. Thinking you might have some affect on him, that you might make him as flustered as he made you was an interesting thought, much more interesting than the ones you’d been having. You decided to test this theory, walking past him with only the towel on your head as you said, “I can get it.”

Grabbing another towel and heading to your room, you tried to pretend he wasn’t there. You could feel him staring at you, which made what you were going to do more difficult, but you needed to know.

Holding the towel, rather than wrapping it around your body, you grabbed a shirt and underwear. Tossing them on your bed as you dried off, you were able to glance at him as he did the same. To your disappointment, he was staring at the bed and you felt like an idiot. Trying to be nonchalant, you followed his gaze and knew why he was staring. You hadn’t done it intentionally, but on the bed was the red Coup d’Etat shirt that he had given you.

Taking the shirt first and pulling it over your head, you sat on your bed as you grabbed your panties and asked, “Are you going to wear what you had on today?”

“What? No,” he said, tearing his eyes away from you and pointing to the door, “I brought clothes.”

“When did you get clothes?” you asked, getting off the bed and walking toward him.

You could see his chest rising and falling, a slight flush that ran from his cheeks down to his sternum as you got closer. This was interesting. He seemed to like seeing you in this particular shirt, to the point that he had ignored you to stare at it.

He looked down at you, his eyes shifting from your chest back to your eyes as he said, “I packed them this morning, before I left.”

“So you were planning on coming over tonight?” you asked, feeling more confident with each passing moment. Before he could reply, you were pressing your lips to his, “What else do you have planned?”

His arms were around you, pulling you against him as he kissed you. As he took a step toward you, you pulled back and went to lift the shirt you had just put on, when he blurted, “No… leave it on.”

That theory now confirmed, you grinned. Lifting the shirt slightly so he could watch as you took off your underwear, you sat on your bed and waited. Jiyong tilted his head before he said, “I’ll be right back.” You watched him leave your room, but he was back in a moment carrying his bag. He set it on the bed and seemed to be nervous as he opened it.

Considering the time, you got up as he dug through his bag and turned off the lights in your apartment, leaving your bedroom for last. As you walked through the kitchen, living room, and the bathroom, you couldn’t help but smile at the idea of breaking your bed in. For years, it had only been you, but tonight that was going to change.

When you got back to your room, he was already in bed, his bag on the floor next to him. Turning off the light and walking to the other side of the bed, you got in and he pulled you close. You could tell immediately that he hadn’t put clothes on, his bare legs against yours as his cock pressed into your lower back, and he whispered, “We don’t have to do anything.”

Giggling as you wiggled against him, you asked, “What if I want to?”

“Can’t say no to you,” he sighed, his hips moving with yours as his hand drifted down between your legs.

As he ran his fingers along your sex, you realized that there was something very important that you didn’t have. Grabbing his wrist, you said, the alarm evident in your voice, “I don’t have any condoms.”

He chuckled as he pushed two fingers into you, “I brought some.”

Relief flooded you and you opened your legs for him, “Get one.”

“Have to get you ready first,” he said, his fingers slowly sliding his fingers in and out.

“I am ready, Ji,” you sighed.

He didn’t stop or move away. Jiyong kept going at his slow pace until you were a panting mess, pleading with him for more. You needed him to go faster, harder, deeper, anything to get you past this point of almost orgasm, but he didn’t. Without giving you what you needed, he pulled his hand away and sat up. You turned, hoping that he was grabbing a condom and about to fuck you senseless, when he pushed you on your back.

He kissed you, once, before moving down your neck then between your breasts, which were still concealed by his shirt. You couldn’t do anything but stare down at him, knowing what he was about to do and unable to process it. He had tried this once before, but you stopped him. You didn’t know why, but you were terrified of what was going to happen. Even though the idea of his face between your legs was exciting and the subject of more than a few fantasies, the actual act seemed somewhat disgusting.

The first time had been after he’d shown you how to go down on him, which you had enjoyed. He had thrown his head back and made so many sounds that had you squirming, it was wonderful knowing you could do that to him. You remember when he came because of the strange taste and consistency followed by the look on his face after you swallowed. You didn’t realize that it was a thing until he asked and seemed shocked that you had done it without prompting.

As he moved lower, your fear and trepidation was starting to take over, and you wanted to tell him to stop. Not because you didn’t want him to, but because he didn’t have to, this wasn’t something you needed him to do. When you grabbed his shoulder, he looked up at you and said, before you could get anything out, “Just relax.”

That wasn’t possible. You said in a rush, “You don’t have to.”

“What if I want to?” he asked, pushing your legs open and settling between them.

You dropped your head back on your pillow and didn’t know what to do. The idea that he wanted to do this was foreign, but if he wanted to, you weren’t going to stop him. “Sweet mother of fuck,” you hissed when you felt his tongue for the first time.

“You’re so sensitive,” he said, repeating the action and getting a deep moan from you as he fought to keep your legs open. He carefully pushed two fingers into you as he continued to gently lick around your clit, never actually touching it. Curling his fingers inside you, he propped himself up on his elbow and asked, “Do you want me to stop?”

Arching your back as he put more pressure on that spot inside you, it was difficult to reply, but you were able to mutter, “I don’t know.”

“Yes or no, Y/N, it’s that simple,” he said, before he flicked his tongue across your clit, “I could do this for hours, but if you want me to stop-”

Something snapped inside you. Your hand flew to the back of his head as you begged, “Please don’t stop, it feels so good and I’m so close- oh my God!”

His lips around your clit as he began to gently suck and massage it with his tongue combined with his fingers inside you had you on edge. You were so close and what he was doing felt better than anything else you’d done with him, you didn’t think you’d ever want anything else as long as he kept doing this. The pressure inside you continued to build, and your mind went blank.

Opening your eyes as you heard him speaking, you asked, “What?”

He laughed as he settled on top of you, brushing your hair out of your face as he reiterated, “I asked you if you liked it, but it’s sort of-”

You pulled him down, kissing him and tasting what had to be yourself on his lips. Every time with him seemed to make you more comfortable, able to do more, to take more, and after what he had just done, you didn’t need confidence to do what you wanted. The drive inside you to feel like that again along with the high from your orgasm pushed you as you took his bottom lip between your teeth and bit him. He groaned above you before you released him, and you said, “Condom. Now.”

He leaned over the bed, and was back, kneeling between your legs as he quickly opened the foil packet and rolled the latex over his length. You sat up while he dealt with the condom, pressing your lips to his hip as you looked up at him. When he was done, his hand was on the back of your head as he asked, his voice somewhat timid, “Do you want to try something new?”

Grinning against his skin, you replied, “Get on your back.”

You weren’t worried that he’d think you were being pushy or demanding, you knew exactly what you wanted and nothing was going to stop you. He didn’t hesitate as he laid on the bed, didn’t say anything as you got on top of him, only putting his hands on your waist and looking up at you.

Sitting on him, his cock pressed against your sex as you leaned close, you whispered in his ear, “Tell me you want it.”

“Oh my God,” Jiyong sighed, his fingers digging into your hips as you felt his lift, “I want it.”

Reaching between you and stroking his cock a few times as you raised your hips, you ran the tip of your tongue along the shell of his ear. He turned his head to the side, pressing it into the pillow as you slowly sank onto his cock, you whimpered. Now that you got what you wanted, all your dominance drained away.

When you didn’t move, Jiyong looked up at you and his face changed. He had given up control for a moment, but knew that you couldn’t keep it going. Digging his feet into the mattress, his grip on your hips firm, he said, “Sit up and put your hands on my chest.”

Unable to do anything but obey, you were able to prop yourself up and understand what was going on for a moment, before he lifted your hips so he’d have room to move, then he started. Unlike the other times, he didn’t start slow, making sure you were ready or waiting for you to ask him to go harder. He was pulling you down onto his cock when he thrust up into you, making you gasp and whine each time your bodies connected.

Using everything you had to keep yourself upright, you stared down at him. His bottom lip between his teeth, his hair still damp, and his eyes locked on yours. When he felt your cunt grow tighter as you got closer to another orgasm, you felt his hand connect with your ass and you collapsed as you shouted, “Oh fuck!”

He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you up a little higher and picking up his pace. You were babbling as you dug your nails into his chest as he asked, “You want more?”

You weren’t able to do much but nod, and that’s all he needed. Raising his hand and slapping your ass again, your back arched and you came, but he didn’t stop. Holding you to his chest with one hand, he spanked you again, harder than he had before, and you thought you were going to pass out. You couldn’t breath, you couldn’t think, and you felt frozen in that moment for so long, until it broke.

Air came rushing back and you heard him moaning beneath you as he came. When his hips stopped moving, you could hear him chuckling and asked, “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” he said, placing a hand on your cheek and turning you to face him. He kissed you, before he said, “I just… I’ve never felt this… good.”

You knew what he meant, nothing had ever felt this good. That word seemed to lose meaning when it was used so often, but it fit. Unlike the other times you’d been with him, this was the first time you hadn’t felt like crying or running. There was no need when you knew that if you were going to run, it would be toward him, and the idea of crying was laughable. You didn’t know if you were just getting used to how he made you feel, or if you were just better equipped to handle these feelings, but it didn’t matter.

After you both got cleaned up, he didn’t get dressed as he dragged you back to bed. Setting your alarms before he pulled you against him, you felt so relaxed that you were half asleep in a few minutes. Hearing his steady breathing, the movement of his chest, you almost didn’t hear him mutter something. Your eyes snapped open, but you couldn’t move. There was no way that you had just heard what you thought you heard. As your mind raced, you didn’t know if you were going to get any sleep as you tried to process the four words that he had said.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You barely slept, unable to get his words out of your head. Unlike your other secrets, like your feelings, what you really want, this was different. His words haunted you, and you had to act like you hadn’t heard them. It wasn’t as hard as you thought it would be. The week went on and you were able to keep it together.

You barely slept, unable to get his words out of your head. Unlike your other secrets, like your feelings, what you really want, this was different. His words haunted you, and you had to act like you hadn’t heard them. It wasn’t as hard as you thought it would be. The week went on and you were able to keep it together.

Saturday evening and Jiyong was working on one of the last tracks for the album. They were going to be releasing the first in a few months. You were reviewing the schedule for next week, specifically the music video shoot that would start on Wednesday. Soonho made sure to emphasize that you were there to assist this time, and you were nervous. He’d never done anything to make you think that he wouldn’t tell you exactly what was expected of you, but you weren’t entirely sure what you were going to assist with.

“Hey,” Jiyong said, startling you.

Staring up at him wide-eyed, you asked, “What time is it?”

“Late,” he sighed, sitting next to you and resting his head on your shoulder.

His words echoed in your mind again, reminding you that you knew too much and that you had to keep your mouth shut. Closing your laptop, you asked, “Ready to go?”

“Yes,” he replied before kissing your cheek, “Mine or yours?”

“You pick,” you said as you tried to accept that this was really how things were going. Despite what you had heard but weren’t supposed to, the week and whatever was going on with you and Jiyong had been progressing. Well, you had spent every night together that week. Part of you worried that he’d get sick of you at some point, but it hadn’t happened, yet.

Sitting up and running his hands through his hair as he stretched, Jiyong said, “Yours.”

Packing up your stuff and locking the studio, Jiyong grabbed your hand as you walked toward the elevator. After earlier that week when you had pointed out how problematic it would be if someone caught the two of you and the subsequent backlash, you gave in. He didn’t seem to care about the consequences, and holding hands wasn’t the same as making out on company property. Lacing your fingers with his while you were in the elevator, you knew that before the doors slid open he’d pull his hand away and to cover his face.

As you left the studio, his face mask and hat on, he took your hand again. You knew that there would be a long and possibly painful conversation with him about what was going on between you, but for now, you could enjoy it.

* * *

Getting another glass of wine, no concern for the ramifications of drinking too much, you said, “Pick another movie.”

“You pick a movie,” he said, lifting his head to see you from where he was laying on the couch.

As you refilled both glasses, you said, “I picked the last one.”

He shrugged, sitting up and ruffling his hair. His roots were showing, and you knew that he’d be getting it done again, but didn’t ask what color. You’d rather be surprised. Grabbing the glasses and walking back to the living room, he stood up and took his glass, “You can pick again.”

“If you insist,” you said, setting your glass down and going to your movie collection.

He set his glass on the table next to yours and excused himself. While you picked the next movie, he went to the bathroom, needing just a few minutes to himself to figure out what he was going to do. Tomorrow was Sunday, but the two of you hadn’t made any plans and he didn’t want to assume that you weren’t busy, he needed to know. It was asking to spend the day together that made him nervous. He could easily just do what he did last weekend, distract you with sex, but that need for more made this an unappealing option.

Staring at his reflection, he decided that all he had to do was ask. It was easy, it had to be. Washing his hands and going back to the living room, he felt his palms begin to sweat. Jiyong knew why he was nervous, the fear that you would turn him down was becoming his primary focus. He felt so close to you, like you understood him, and being rejected would have him retreating into himself again. As if his mouth was determined to bring him to his knees, he asked, “Are you busy tomorrow?” No preamble, no subtle conversation leading up to it, he just blurted it as soon as he sat down.

Turning to face him and amazed that he still bothered to ask about your nonexistent plans, you giggled, “Nope, I never have plans.”

Jiyong took a deep breath, and asked, “Would you want to do stuff… with me?”

“What kind of stuff?” you asked, noticing how nervous he seemed. You wondered why he would be so worked up over something that was somewhat expected. You’d spent so many Sundays together, the majority of them since you met him, that it was almost a given that he’d show up at your door.

“Normal stuff, I don’t know,” he realized that he hadn’t actually thought about anything specific he wanted to do. But he didn’t want to do anything specific, he just wanted to spend time with you, and he didn’t know how to say that without saying too much.

Watching as he got more anxious by the minute, you decided to derail whatever he was trying to do, “Sounds disgusting.” When he finally looked at you, genuine confusion on his face, you pushed him to the side and climbed onto his lap, “I’m in.”

He tried to place his hands on your hips, but you grabbed his wrists and put them above his head. Staring up at you, Jiyong opened his mouth to say something, but you cut him off. Kissing him like you wanted, your hand cupping his jaw, your tongue barely touching his, and pulling back slightly to take his bottom lip between your teeth. He moaned beneath you, his hands gripping your ass as soon as you let go of his arms.

For a moment you stayed like this, slowly rolling your hips and feeling him grow hard beneath you, when his grip tightened. He flipped you onto your back and ground his cock against your sex as he said, “My turn.”

* * *

Waking up next to Jiyong was still bizarre. Your eyes opened and you smiled as you felt his arm around your waist and his body pressed against your back. However, in this position you were reminded of what he had said, and it ruined the moment. You didn’t know what would compel anyone to think that, let alone whisper it to someone they were sleeping with, but that didn’t stop you from worrying. Getting out of your head, you decided it was time to get out of bed. Checking the clock, you rolled over to wake him up.

After the first cup of coffee, you needed to shower. Jiyong, as he usually did, followed you too closely as you went about your routine, but dropped the silliness when he realized what you were getting ready to do. The last time he had showered with you, he had a plan, but this time he was going to enjoy it. Instead of trying to keep himself from being distracted, he was going to dive into the distraction, he wanted to drown in it.

Once under the warm water, he asked you to wash his hair first. He stood, leaning his head back and relaxed into your touch. In his head, he could pretend that you were together, really together. He’d imagined hearing you saying how much you cared for him, how much you loved him so many times, and now was no different. Rather than some precursor to fucking, he pretended that what you were doing now was out of love, and he planned to return the favor. This fantasy was compounded with how carefully you washed his body. Moving your hands over his skin, he watched you intently and wished that he could have what he wanted. He’d gotten almost everything else he’d ever wanted, but this was one thing that seemed impossible.

Once he was clean, you switched places, and he didn’t rush through washing your hair. Jiyong wanted to enjoy this for as long as he could, but when he rinsed the conditioner from your hair, he didn’t rush through the next part. As he cleaned your body, working down your torso, Jiyong knelt. The soap was getting washed away as he went, and after quickly rinsing his hand, he guided you by the hips until you were leaning against the wall.

Looking up at you as he ran his fingertips along your sex, he didn’t say anything. In his head, he was able to say what he wanted, pretending that the look on your face as you stared down at him was your reaction to words he couldn’t say and not his current actions. Slipping his fingers inside you and kissing your thigh, he didn’t think there was anything better than this.

“Jiyong…” you moaned, unsure what to do with your hands as they tried to grip the tile behind you. When he looked up at you, you were certain you were going to do something stupid. The way he was looking at you, it wasn’t like anything you’d seen before, and that may have more to do with the lighting and actually being able to see him rather than what was happening. But you couldn’t stop the need to say something. You didn’t need to say exactly what you were thinking, but you couldn’t say nothing, you didn’t have that much control.

As you searched for words, any words at this point, you heard him whisper your name. Then he stood and his lips were against yours. He moved so quickly you weren’t even sure if he was still fingering you, completely distracted by him.

He pulled away, resting his forehead against yours, and said, “Can’t do much else in here.”

Turning off the water and grabbing towels, which were quickly abandoned when you got back to your bedroom. His arms around you as he kissed you and guided you back to the bed, as he grabbed a condom from his bag.

Jiyong, still playing into his fantasy, couldn’t fuck like you always asked him to. Like the night before, he wanted to take his time, enjoy every second. He had wanted to see if he could get you off like this, but last night he had gotten side-tracked. Today, he was determined to do this how he wanted, as long as you wanted it to.

Pulling away from you as he slowly pumped his hips, he asked, “Can I try something?”

“What?” your voice was breathy and didn’t sound like your own, but you didn’t care.

He kissed you again, not pulling away and keeping his eyes closed tight as he said, “Trust me.”

“Okay, Ji,” you whispered. After everything, you could do this. You didn’t know what he was going to do, but you wanted it, you wanted anything he was willing to give.

Smiling and losing himself in the fantasy that you seemed to be playing into, he got an arm under you. As he lifted your hips, he said, “Wrap your legs around me.”

Doing as he said, he kissed you again, but didn’t pull away. He began to roll his hips, and you needed something to hold onto. With one hand on his shoulder, your nails digging into his skin, and the other on his chest, you knew you weren’t going to last long. You wanted to beg him to go faster, to fuck you through the mattress, but he asked you to trust him. Letting go of the thoughts in your head, you noticed that you could feel his heartbeat beneath your palm. His heart was racing, his skin was so warm and soft, and you focused on that rather than begging him for more.

Sliding you farther up the bed and moving the hand that had been holding your hips up to your side, he didn’t speed up. He could feel your body tensing beneath him, unlike the other times, and knew you were getting close. He broke the kiss, unable to stop himself as he asked, “Do you like this?”

In the moment, you knew he was referring to what he was doing, but later you wondered if he meant what the two of you were doing in general. Not thinking about that now, you practically whimpered, “Yeah, Ji, I like this.”

“I do too,” he said, his lips still touching yours as he spoke and it was too much.

Your nails dug into his shoulder, harder than they had been but not breaking the skin as you came. He didn’t stop, instead he finally sped up to keep your orgasm going. Feeling your body contract, attempting to keep him close, this is the only part of his fantasy that was real. The feelings, the attachment, the words, all the things that he couldn’t have, but he could have this. You weren’t faking it, this wasn’t in his head, the way your body reacted to him was real, and no one could ever take that from him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Staring at the screen, you didn’t believe what you were seeing. After months of work, the long days that never seemed that bad because you got to spend them with Jiyong, they were done. There was work for you and the others, plenty of work to get the album to the final product that would be released, but they were done recording.

Staring at the screen, you didn’t believe what you were seeing. After months of work, the long days that never seemed that bad because you got to spend them with Jiyong, they were done. There was work for you and the others, plenty of work to get the album to the final product that would be released, but they were done recording.

Jiyong leaned back in his chair, a grin on his face as he and his bandmates enjoyed this moment. In a few weeks, they would have to sit down and listen to the whole thing, then present it and hope that there didn’t need to be any massive changes, but the hard part was over.

“We’re going out,” Seunghyun announced, pointing directly at you, “No excuses.”

Rolling your eyes, you’d hoped to start working on at least one of the songs, but when Jiyong nudged you it was unavoidable. Making a decision, you stood and said, “Fine, but I’m going to go home first.”

“Why?” Jiyong asked, ignoring the rest of the room.

Smirking as you packed up, you said, “Reasons, I’ll be back in about an hour.”

He watched you walk out of the door, and knew that he was going to talk to you tonight. Finishing the album, like it had been with their previous ones, felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He knew that if he was going to have this conversation with you, tonight was the best night for it. Regardless of what else happened, he was certain that you’d at least listen to what he has to say, and that’s all he needed.

For the past few weeks, his game of pretending that what the two of you were doing was more than it was had worked. He didn’t feel like he was doing anything wrong, he just needed more but couldn’t get it without risking everything. It was earlier that week he decided when the album was done he’d tell you everything. He was terrified, but he had a plan that hopefully wouldn’t ruin what you currently had if you weren’t interested in him like that.

Seungri pulled out a couple bottles of champagne, pouring a glass for everyone in the room and making a toast. It was ridiculous, like most things Seungri did, but Jiyong didn’t mind. He didn’t know why you had needed to leave or what you were doing, but he had time to figure out how he was going to get you alone tonight. He was positive that he didn’t want to be at your apartment or his, if he had you completely alone he’d probably lose his nerve.

Jiyong figured that going out for a smoke knowing that you both had to return to the party would keep him from doing anything he might regret. As he finished his second glass of champagne and checked the time, he heard Seungri shout, “Hot damn!”

Looking up, Jiyong was glad he was sitting. For months, he’d only ever seen you in leggings and shirts, not once had he even considered that you could dress up or that you would. He assumed that you just weren’t that type of girl, and he didn’t care. He liked the way you dressed, but seeing you now threw that idea and his plans for the night out of his mind. Not hearing what the others were saying as he stared at you, noticing your makeup, the cut of the dress you had on, and that you weren’t wearing a bra, it was a lot to take in.

Jiyong grabbed his hoodie from the back of his chair, placing it strategically over his lap as he downed the rest of his drink. He tried to keep his very obvious excitement from being too noticeable, when he felt your hand on his shoulder as you said, “Time to go, the car’s here.”

He looked up at you, felt his face burning, and all he could do was nod. What he had noticed first about you months ago was how pretty you were and how much you didn’t seem to care for it. The realization that you were not only aware that you were attractive, but that you could present yourself like this made his head spin. Standing and following you out, he made sure he was the last to leave so no one would be able to see exactly what he was thinking, well, what his dick was thinking.

Sitting next to you in the back of the SUV, with the others easily able to see every move, Jiyong had to keep from doing anything stupid. Seunghyun may have an idea of what was going on, but none of them needed confirmation, at least not until Jiyong could talk to you first. He was struggling to visualize the conversation now. It would be difficult to get out what he needed to say to you without trying to fuck you. Even when the two of you were in public, he had to remind himself not to touch you, not to look at you too long, and to do his best to not think about you in a compromising position.

Getting into the club and getting drinks, he followed you and Seungri back to one of the booths. You and Seungri were talking about something, but Jiyong couldn’t follow the conversation. He was getting nervous. Part of him wondered if the reason you didn’t want more than what you already had with him was because you didn’t feel anything for him more than physical attraction. He’d spent so long in his head, pretending that the two of you were together, that he rarely thought about what was really going on.

“Hey, you okay?” you asked, startling Jiyong at how close you were.

Staring up at you, he replied, “Yeah, I’m fine. Wanna go smoke?”

He couldn’t stop staring at you as you bit your lip and nodded. You finished your glass of wine and slid out of the booth. Standing in front of him, waiting, he couldn’t move. He was stunned. This was the first time he got to look at you, really look at you, since you came back. It wasn’t until you leaned over the table that he realized what he was doing. Jiyong covered the bulge in his pants, as you asked, “Are you coming?”

Quickly standing and taking your hand, he lead you through the crowd, trying to gather his courage. It wasn’t like what he had to say was complicated, but he was worried now. This was easy to figure out, all he needed to do was test the water to see if you might be interested in something more, and if you weren’t then he could back off without doing any damage. Pushing the door to the side entrance open, holding it as you walked out, Jiyong pulled out his cigarettes and lit one for each of you.

He held one out to you and looked around as he took a long drag. This wasn’t like other times when he’d tried to have this kind of conversation, he’d hasn’t been this invested in someone in so long and he had so much to lose. The fear and worry was noticeable and you took his arm and walked away from the door for more privacy.

Leaning close, you asked, “Are you really okay?”

“No,” Jiyong answered, unsure why he was being honest now. He decided wasn’t going to do this. He didn’t want to have this conversation, but his mouth and brain weren’t communicating.

You looked around, the few people who were in the alley weren’t paying attention to you and Jiyong. Even though you had been trying to keep the sex and the friendship separate, it was difficult at times like this. When Jiyong looked like a kicked puppy, there was little you could do to stop yourself from comforting him and trying to help. Raising your hand to his neck and playing with his hair, you asked, “Wanna talk about it?”

Jiyong groaned, covering his face as he tried to figure out what to say, “I just… I don’t know.”

“We can talk later,” you said, putting out your cigarette and smiling up at him, “Try to relax or… we could leave.”

He dropped his hand and stared at you. You had said ‘we’. It hadn’t been the first time, but it was compounded by the current situation. Just the two of you, him lighting your cigarette, your hand on his neck, and how you were looking at him. This was why he was having a hard time differentiating between reality and fantasy. Either you were doing the same and you were just as scared of losing everything as he was, or you didn’t know what you were doing.

“One more drink,” he said, planning to test his theory, “Then we can go back to your place.”

Taking his hand and guiding him toward the door, you asked, “Why always my place?”

He shrugged, but smiled wide as he followed you back into the club. Deciding that he had time, that he could wait for the right moment and not force this conversation, Jiyong did his best to enjoy the evening. One drink turned into another, but he didn’t mind. Getting up to get another bottle of wine for the table, he figured that he might be able talk to you tonight. Even if he might get carried away, he had to at least find out if you wanted more or if this was just for fun.

Thanking the barman, Jiyong turned around and felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. He stared at the booth, the spot he had been sitting in, the seat next to you, was now occupied with someone else. Seunghyun, obviously drunk, had his arm around your shoulder and he was so close to you, it made Jiyong’s stomach twist into a knot.

As calmly as he could, but keeping his eyes on you, Jiyong walked back to the booth. It wasn’t until he heard your voice, that he fully understood what was going on. You sounded so annoyed, and Jiyong could see the stunned look on Seunghyun’s face as he pulled away from you. Just a few feet from the table, you looked up and Seunghyun did too as Jiyong set the bottle on the table.

It didn’t take long for Seunghyun to understand that he was unwelcome, but Jiyong needed to make a point, as much as he could, that you were off limits. Glancing at you, he asked, only loud enough for the three of you to hear, “Ready to go?”

_Holy fuck_ , you thought as you nodded and grabbed your purse. You knew that Jiyong wasn’t pleased that you were as close as you had been with Seunghyun, but you had been doing your best to emphasize how unavailable you were without saying too much. As you walked out of the club and toward the car, Jiyong’s arm around your waist, you knew exactly what he was doing. The idea that Jiyong was jealous of Seunghyun seemed insane. Jiyong didn’t want you, at least not like that, but maybe he remembered that you weren’t fond of Seunghyun’s advances and this was his way of getting his friend to stop with is misguided attentions.

Getting in the back seat with Jiyong, you leaned close to whisper so the driver wouldn’t hear, “What was that?”

Jiyong clenched his jaw, unsure how to explain himself when he felt your hand on his thigh. His eyes dropped and he felt his anger start to fade. Swallowing thickly, he replied, “You looked uncomfortable… I told you, he doesn’t stop unless you’re direct.”

Taking a deep breath and letting the liquid courage do what it did best, you said, “Seemed like you were marking your territory.” His eyes snapped up, meeting yours as he mouthed silently. He didn’t have time to reply as you moved your hand higher, delicately tracing the outline of his cock through his pants as you said, “You are so cute when you get all worked up.”

He bit his lip to keep from moaning, but it was obvious how much he was enjoying this. Putting his arm along the back of the seat, he leaned close, his tongue running along the shell of your ear before he asked, “Do you have any idea what you do to me?”

“I have a vague notion,” you giggled, palming him through his pants. Your cheeks burned as you thought of what was going to happen once you got back to your apartment.

Hissing in your ear as you continued to stroke him, Jiyong asked, “What if I did this to you?”

“I don’t think you can,” you said, trying to keep your face calm as you felt his hand on your leg. The way the two of you were sitting, and with the seat in front of you blocking most of what you were doing from view, Jiyong was able to slide his hand between your thighs. You quickly learned that you weren’t as adept at hiding what was going on as he was. Your face was on fire and you whimpered as his fingers traced along your panties.

“You should wear skirts more often,” he said as he flicked his finger back and forth over your clit.

Gripping his wrist as you felt him trying to pull your panties to the side, you glared at him and hissed, “You are going to kill me.”

* * *

Laying in your bed next to Jiyong, you wondered what was supposed to happen next. Not when you woke up and spent the next day goofing around with him, but in a few months, or years. Eventually one of you would want more, or find someone else, then this would end.

Rolling onto your side and pressing your body against his, you tried to push those thoughts away but they were persistent. You were certain that he’d find someone, someone who suited him, and that would leave you alone. Being accustomed to being alone didn’t mean that’s what you wanted.

The past few months with him had been some of the best of your life. He seemed to care, he paid attention and went out of his way for you. This wasn’t one sided, you did your best to show that you cared and to do more than just the bare minimum. You knew that you were in deeper than you should be with Jiyong, but you couldn’t help it. He was so easy to be with, part of you had a hard time remembering that you were just friends.

Feeling him wrap his arm around you and press his lips to your forehead didn’t help. You knew he’d never be anything more than this, maybe a friend, but in moments like these it was hard to think of that. Closing your eyes, you fell asleep, only thinking about how much you would miss being with him once he was gone.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dropping your phone on the counter, you ran to your bedroom and grabbed the first skirt you could find. Once you had a shirt and skirt on, you went hunting for tights but every pair you found had a snag or a run in them, except for the thigh highs. Sighing but quickly grabbing them and the garter that came with them, you were grabbing your shoes, ditching them outside the bathroom while you rushed to get your makeup on.

 

Dropping your phone on the counter, you ran to your bedroom and grabbed the first skirt you could find. Once you had a shirt and skirt on, you went hunting for tights but every pair you found had a snag or a run in them, except for the thigh highs. Sighing but quickly grabbing them and the garter that came with them, you were grabbing your shoes, ditching them outside the bathroom while you rushed to get your makeup on.

The first, and possibly most important, presentation of the album was today. You’d spent the last few weeks mixing and editing each song, and you had assumed that this meeting would be like the previous ones: the idols were the focus, and support staff needed to blend in. You were wrong and trying to keep from panicking.

Finishing your mascara, you reached down to pick up your shoes, slipping them on as you grabbed your phone and bag. Locking the door behind you as your phone went off again, you were running down the stairs and out the building toward the black SUV waiting outside. Climbing into the back, you met Soonho’s eyes and he smiled at you. He normally smiled at you, but the once-over he gave you as you buckled your seatbelt told you that you hadn’t disappointed.

Taking a minute to calm down, you decided to see how Jiyong was doing. Your phone had been going off all last night and this morning, the group chat the guys had going and that you were still in was blowing up. They were all nervous. Soonho was nervous. You were nervous. Hell, even the driver seemed nervous, and all he had to do was get you and Soonho to the meeting on time.

Ignoring the group chat, you sent Jiyong a message.

Smiling as you saw him typing, you waited and thought back to a few days ago. It had been your birthday, normally anticlimactic, but Jiyong had found out. He hadn’t made a spectacle of it, but he brought over wine and spent the night. He wasn’t staying over as often as he had been a month ago, but you assumed it was just how these things went. Eventually everything calmed down, but you had hoped that his enthusiasm wouldn’t have ebbed so quickly. It had only been three months since whatever it was you two were doing had started, and even with your lack of experience, you knew that was a bit soon for the sex to be getting stale. You did your best to not worry about this or look too much into it.

Shaking your head at his text, you quickly replied.

Before you could read his reply, the car came to a stop and Soonho was practically dragging you into the building. Back to the usual mania, you followed Soonho to the meeting room and started getting ready. There would be producers and executives in this meeting, their presence alone was reason to panic. People who would decide if the album was going in the right direction or if it was garbage. This was why Soonho had wanted you to dress up. You might be the distraction, which was laughable, but you weren’t above this idea. Quite the opposite.  

Although the album was almost entirely done by BigBang, the final product was a reflection of your abilities. If it was shit, so were you. Even if it was crap, if you looked good, you might be able to get away with not doing so well. You tried to not think about the possibility that the months you’d spent working on this were all for nothing and that you wouldn’t succeed. You tried to not think about it, and you failed.

You took your seat a few minutes before the guys and their people came in. As you looked up to see Jiyong walking into the room, he smiled before shoving his phone into his pocket. Your phone was buzzing again. Pulling it out, you tried to discreetly read the messages Jiyong had sent while everyone got settled.

Rolling your eyes at the message and looking up to see him smirking at you, you replied.

Unsure if he’d even reply at this point, you set your phone on your lap as he walked over and sat next to you and the two other producers that had been working on finalizing the album. Jiyong had been involved, along with the rest of the guys, but they had other things to work on and couldn’t devote weeks to editing.

The door opened again, and everyone stood. Your boss, the boss of everyone in the room, walked in with four people behind him. As you took a step forward to shake his hand, you heard Jiyong mutter something behind you. Ignoring him, you exchanged pleasantries with your boss then it was time to get started.

As you resumed your seat and waited for your cue to start each track, Jiyong nudged your shoulder. Turning and mouthing “What?”, he held up his phone. You had assumed that he’d take this more seriously, but then you remembered that they were all nervous and that a little texting wasn’t that bad. Again, you were wrong.

Not entirely sure what he was freaking out about, you tried to pay attention to the meeting so you wouldn’t miss anything while you texted him back.

Your phone was vibrating again, but you didn’t want to risk looking again until after the first track started. As you waited, you absently counted the number of alerts you thought you might have. With each buzz your interest in what he could be sending you grew and by the time the first track started you were desperate to look at your phone.

Smiling at your phone as Youngbae’s vocals filled the room, you could feel your cheeks burn as you replied. You weren’t sure if he meant what you thought he meant, but you could hope.

You stared at the text message, waiting for his next one to come, knowing the first song was almost over. He was still typing, so you decided to push him.

Thankfully only a few people noticed Jiyong cough. Glancing at him out of the corner of your eye, you clearly saw him palm himself with one hand while he texted with the other. His lap was out of sight for most, unless they looked under the table. His seat was against the wall, the only person next to him was you, so he just looked like he was texting. When you got his next text, you were glad the song was still playing and covered your whimper.

You weren’t sure how to reply, but that didn’t matter. He sent another message that had you wondering how much longer this would be. This morning you were dreading this meeting, knowing how important it was, but now you wanted it to be over so you could be alone with Jiyong.

Eyebrows threatening to disappear into your hairline and your face burning, you put your phone back in your lap. The song had ended and they were talking again. As you waited, you quickly sent him another text then went back to paying attention as best you could.

You knew you shouldn’t encourage this, not now, but he wasn’t the only one that was embarrassingly horny. Feeling your phone vibrate in your hand again and again had you shifting in your seat. When you started the next song, you had to remind yourself that you had to at least pretend to be professional.

Licking your lips you couldn’t believe he was saying all this, but you weren’t mad. You didn’t need any time to think of a response, but you did your best to act like you were listening to the song like you were supposed to be doing.

He didn’t type anything, so you leaned back to look at him and had to remind yourself you weren’t alone. The song played as Jiyong hunched over the table, staring at his phone while his free hand slowly stroked the bulge in his pants. You scooted your chair forward so the producer next to you wouldn’t see what Jiyong was doing then your phone buzzed.

You had to think for a minute before you replied.

As your phone vibrated, you felt his hand on your knee. The current song was about to end and you quickly checked the message as you tried to compose yourself.

That nagging voice that always popped up when Jiyong would try to cross certain lines was back with a vengeance. For no reason other than your mind being firmly against you, those four words he had said weeks ago were repeating in your head. Dread started to make your stomach turn, but you ignored all of it. None of that mattered as long as you kept your facade in place and you trusted him to not take this too far.

Placing your phone on the table so he could see you were done texting, you scooted your chair forward a little more and closer to him. Turning slightly as you parted your legs, you knew that it looked like the two of you were working on something. Granted, you were working on something, getting his hand up your skirt without anyone else noticing.

Jiyong seemed to catch on quickly, shifting so as his hand went further up your thigh it wouldn’t be obvious what he was doing under the table. His hand was resting on your lap like he was waiting for your permission. Dropping your hand to your lap and tracing your fingers along the back of his up to his wrist, you could feel him pushing your skirt up.

As his finger tips grazed over the top of your thigh-high tights, he paused. Running his hand along the outside of your thigh, pushing your skirt higher, he found what he was looking for: your garter belt. After that, you weren’t sure he remembered that he needed to be discrete.

Then the song ended and Jiyong’s hand went still. His fingers just a few inches away from where you were aching for him, you did your best to pay attention. The minutes dragged on until you could start the next song. You checked the time, and hoped that they would break for lunch after this one.

As if your wish had been granted, your boss spoke up, “Y/N, start the next song then we’ll take lunch.”

Smiling and doing as you were asked, Jiyong sprang into action before the song had even started. Pulling your thigh to get you to spread your legs further apart, he ran the tip of one finger up and down your sex. You knew you were already wet and that he wasn’t going to do anything too extreme, so you tried to enjoy the moment.

Jiyong noticed that you didn’t seem as worked up, and decided to take things a little further. Still only teasing you, when his finger was over your clit, he didn’t move it away again. Pressing a little harder as he began to circle, he grinned as your hips canted forward into his touch.

You watched as Jiyong grabbed his phone again, his hand still between your legs and making it impossible to concentrate on anything else. It wasn’t until your phone vibrated on your notebook that you even thought about what he was doing. Reaching out for it and unlocking it out of sight, you wondered why you had been worried about the quasi-relationship you had with him. He was clearly still interested, the lull of the past few weeks had probably been from work and not from him getting bored with you.

As you read the last message, you didn’t think you could be quiet. He pushed your panties to the side and began to slide his fingers between your lips. Sinking your teeth into your bottom lip as you felt his finger circle your clit before he was pushing it into you. You’d taken more than this, but it wasn’t just what he was doing that had you on the verge of losing your mind. It was the situation, what he had said, and the song.

He was barely moving his hand, but you could tell that he was having almost the same reaction. You could hear his breathing, deep and steady, as he looked like he was listening to the song. There was a little over a minute left, and even though you knew it was silly, you worried you weren’t going to last.

Sitting up as you gripped his wrist, trying to give him a hint that you both needed to be able to act normal soon. He squeezed your thigh before pulling his hand away and adjusting himself so he could stand up without being on display. Only half a minute of the song left, then your phone went off again.

Crossing your legs and nudging him so he’d look at you, you nodded. He smiled but tried to keep it at bay as the song faded out. After a few minutes of conversation about what they had heard so far, to your surprise it was all positive. Jiyong made his excuses and the two of you were leaving.

“We only have an hour,” he said under his breath as you waited for the elevator.

Pretending to be as calm as he was, you said, “I already set an alarm.”

The elevator was taking too long and made Jiyong impatient. He walked away from it, looking for somewhere for the two of you to go that would be private enough. This was the same building that you had been recording in, but you were on a different floor and neither of you knew it very well.

As the minutes passed, Jiyong seemed to get more irritated that he couldn’t find even a closet. You wondered if he’d ever done something like this before when he found the staircase. It was only 3 flights down to the floor you were normally on, and you both knew that the studio wasn’t only empty and had a lock but that whole area was probably deserted.

Pushing you against the door of the studio as he locked it, Jiyong whispered, “Still gonna let me have my lunch?”

“Oh my God,” you moaned as his hand found its way between your legs, “Please, Ji…”

Dropping to his knees, he grabbed the waistband of your panties and pulled them down. Looking up at you as he helped you step out of them, he said, “I’m keeping these.” He grinned at you as he put your panties in his pocket, “Lean against the door.”

You did as he said, and lost track of time when his tongue touched you. Every time he did this scared you, but in the same way being with him scared you. It felt too good, like it wasn’t real, but you didn’t care. A few weeks ago you had started wondering if what you were doing with him was what being his girlfriend would be like. This turned into a full-blown fantasy after your birthday.

Not once did you mention it, but he had shown up unannounced, with wine and your favorite movie. That had been the best birthday you’d had to date, and you didn’t really do anything that special, but it changed something for you. After that, you had been thinking about talking to him about what was going on between the two of you.

The only thing that stopped you was the fear that you would scare him off. You were aware now that he had had some awful relationships, which made what you two were doing seem logical. He can’t get hurt if he isn’t invested. That particular realization hurt, but you would go back to pretending that he felt the same.

Opening your eyes and seeing his face between your legs erased those thoughts. Your fantasy was back in place, as you wove your fingers through his hair. He stared up at you expectantly as he worked his jaw and tongue, and groaned when you gripped his hair. His hair was black again, and you loved the way it made his features seem sharper, more intense. His eyes were boring into yours as you felt your mouth fall open.

“Just like that, Ji, don’t stop,” you moaned.

He was well versed in how to get you off at this point, focusing on your clit. Trying to keep from cumming in his pants as he watched your head fall back against the door, Jiyong stood and pressed his lips to yours, before he asked, “How much time do we have left?”

Trying to catch your breath, you pulled your phone out of your pocket and smiled lazily as you replied, “40 minutes.”

“Bend over the desk,” he growled, and you felt weak.

You didn’t know how many times you’d thought about this, but the fact that it was happening made it all seem even more like a dream. Bending over the desk and spreading your legs, you could hear him undressing behind you. Twisting your body to see him as you lifted your skirt, you bit your lip as you watched him stroke his cock.

He hadn’t been able to touch himself properly the entire time and it showed. For a few moments, he seemed lost in what he was doing, then he snapped out of it. His eyes opened and they were focused on you as he rolled the condom down his length. Bringing his hand down across your ass as he lined up, he said, “I’m not going to last long, but you won’t either.”

“Fuck,” you sighed before he began to enter you.

Like other times, he was steady, purposeful, but that changed when he bottomed out. Both hands on your hips, he pulled back and when he thrust forward, he jerked your hips back against his. Jiyong wasn’t being careful this time. He would normally start slow then build up with you pleading for more, but the text you had sent seemed to settle this issue for good.

He slapped your ass again as he asked, “You like this?” You tried to reply, but your words failed you. Hearing him chuckle in your ear, he whispered, “Cum for me, kitten. Show me how much you love my cock.”

Never had you been so happy a room was soundproofed as you shrieked. Gripping the edge of the desk as you came, the only sign that he was doing the same was the death grip he had on your hips. As your mind cleared, you knew you’d have bruises, and you felt good.

* * *

After the meeting ended your boss was walking out of the room with you. He nodded to the rest as you followed him toward his office. Once the two of you were alone, he beamed at you, “Incredible.”

“Sir?” you asked, never assuming to know what he might be talking about.

“And still so polite, I won’t keep you long,” he said as he walked to his desk, “I just wanted to check in, make sure things were still going well.”

You did your best to reassure him that you were happy working with Jiyong, then he got serious. Walking back to you, he held out a small bundle of letters that you took as he said, “You have offers, from other companies. Normally I wouldn’t be so blunt, but they’re tempting considering what you have here.”

The idea of leaving, for money or a better position, wasn’t something you had even considered. This was the company you wanted to work for and you were working with the one artist you had always wanted to since you started down this path.

Seeing the confused look on your face, your boss continued, “I can’t stop you from looking at these, or even meeting with them, but I can make my own offer.” He gave you another envelop, before he opened the door, “Have a good evening, Y/N, and let me know when you make a decision.”

As you walked out the door and toward the elevator, you weren’t sure what exactly had happened, but wanted to see what was in these envelops. Safely inside the elevator, you opened one, then another, and another. It wasn’t until you found the one from BigHit that it really sank in. They were all offering almost double what your current salary was, and the titles were variations of executive produce, composer… this was it.

You felt tears forming, and opened the last envelop, your boss’ offer. Covering your mouth as you read, the elevator door opened and the first person you saw was Jiyong. His face fell seeing you, but when you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, nothing else seemed to matter.

Once you had calmed down enough to explain, Jiyong was worried. Working with him, as you had thought, validated you. The fact that he had hired you so quickly, spoken to other people about you and about your work had made you someone worth poaching. The letters, the offers, they were all trying to get you to work for them, anything to get an edge on the competition.

Jiyong hadn’t said much, and now that you were alone at your apartment, you began to notice. You hadn’t told anyone else exactly what was going on, only that you got some really good news. After Jiyong read each letter, you were dying to know what he thought, but he only said, “Congratulations.” His voice was flat, disappointed, and you were feeling your elation fade quickly.

“What?” you asked, unsure what could possibly have him so depressed over this. As far as you could see, this was good, really good. Other companies wanted you, the album got approved and only needed to be tweaked a bit, and you were about to get a serious raise.

Sighing and getting up from the couch, he said, “You have a lot of options. I knew you weren’t going to stay forever, but I thought… I don’t know. I’m gonna go home.”

“Options?” you said more to yourself, then it hit you, “You think I’m going to take any of these?”

He turned around, eyeing you carefully before he nodded. Laughing you found the letter from your boss and held it out to him. When he didn’t take it, you realized that the joke wasn’t as obvious as you thought it was. Standing, you tried to think of the right words, and settled on telling him the truth, “They aren’t options, they don’t compare to this.”

Jiyong ran his hand through his hair, but didn’t say anything, so you continued, “I’m not going anywhere, I’m not considering the other offers.”

This seemed to rouse him, “Why wouldn’t you? You could work with some new band, you could rise with them rather than trying to maintain-”

“You really don’t get it,” you interrupted, “I’m not going to be Tchaikovsky or Chopin, this is making it for me, working with you.. Ji, nothing compares to that.”

He stood there, staring at you, and you continued, to make sure he understood, “The only person I wanted to work with is you. All this is just a promotion and a new title, I don’t want to work with anyone else.”

Time seemed to stop as you waited for him to say something. He had to have known, he always knew more than he should and this should have been one of those things. As if it were the theme for the day, you were wrong. He took a step forward and asked, his voice so quiet and hesitant that it made you wonder what he could be thinking, “Do you really mean that?”

Dumbfounded, you said, “Of course, you’re G Dragon. People would kill to do what I do.”

Then it hit you. Your words might be carrying more weight than you had intended. Unsure how to explain that right now you were strictly speaking professionally, separating what the two of you had been up to from the business side of things completely, but you were at a loss for words.

He nodded, his hand on the back of his neck as he dropped his eyes to the floor. You wanted to tell him that when it came to him there was no one else. No one compared to him in any capacity, but you couldn’t. All you could manage to get out was, “I don’t mean it like that, I just-”

“I know,” he said, and his tone reminded you of that night again. Those four words that made you feel sick were like a giant neon sign over his head and you couldn’t think of anything else.

Taking a step forward, you knew that if you told him the truth now he would probably dismiss it, so you decided to get as close as you could. Like the reality of what was going on, you kept to only the physical side of things, leaving your feelings out as you said, “The other stuff, what we’ve been doing… you know that I don’t just jump into bed with anyone. Whatever this is, it doesn’t change what my goals are.”

You couldn’t look at him as you spoke, knowing that he’d see right through you. Holding the letter from your boss again, he finally took it as you finished, “This is what I’ve been working for. Working with you, something I never thought would happen, it’s amazing.” Pointing to the letter he was holding, you said, “I’m taking this offer, and you aren’t leaving tonight.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Relaxing into the chair, Jiyong knew he wouldn’t be able to leave for at least half an hour as they undid his hair and makeup. For the last few days they’d been filming, and hopefully after tomorrow the shoot would be done. Every chance he got, he scanned the room for you, hoping you hadn’t already left.

****

Relaxing into the chair, Jiyong knew he wouldn’t be able to leave for at least half an hour as they undid his hair and makeup. For the last few days they’d been filming, and hopefully after tomorrow the shoot would be done. Every chance he got, he scanned the room for you, hoping you hadn’t already left.

Whenever you left before him you’d always go to bed and wouldn’t answer his texts until the next morning. It had been so different from how recording had gone, where the two of you were leaving at the same time. Once the album was finished, he didn’t get to see you as often and felt like he was losing the already tentative hold he may have had. He missed walking to your apartment, eating with you, and mostly sleeping next to you. Your body against his what what he missed most and he didn’t want to go to bed alone again this week.

Interrupting his thoughts, he looked down to see a salad then smiled as you said, “Start eating. Now.”

“You scared the shit outta me!” the makeup artist said, a hand on her chest.

“Sorry, but he’s on a tight schedule,” you said before grabbing your phone and saying to Jiyong, “Soonho sent me the rest of your week, and you needed to be home an hour ago.”

“How early do I have to be up tomorrow?” he asked, already dreading the answer.

Scrolling through your phone, you sighed before you said, “4am.”

It didn’t take long until he was following you out to the car. Once inside, he asked as quietly as he could, “Are you going to stay over?”

Looking up from your phone, you thought for a moment before you asked, “Do you want me to?” When he nodded, you found that those four words were in your head again. They stopped you from refusing him, not that you would have normally but those words that he had said months ago told you exactly how damaged he really was. Smiling at him and taking his hand, you said, “Then I can stay, but you need to go to bed.”

“I always sleep better with you,” he said. He was exhausted and rested his head on your shoulder, falling asleep before the car arrived at his apartment.

* * *

Halfway through the next day, Jiyong didn’t know if he was going to make it through the rest of filming. He was so exhausted and drained, but he couldn’t take time off now. Checking his phone, he didn’t know if he could even explain to anyone that he needed a break.

“Hey,” you said as you held out a cup of coffee, “I talked to the director and you have two parts left then you are done for the day.”

Jiyong sipped the coffee before he asked, “What do I have to do after?”

Grinning at him, “Eat something, sleep, and take a shower. You can choose the order.”

“Seriously?” Jiyong asked, genuinely wondering if you could read his mind at this point.

Taking the coffee back as you said, “Hold it together for half an hour and you are free until tomorrow at 8am.”

Jiyong finished his last two scenes in 24 minutes and was back in the car with you in another ten. Leaning his head on your shoulder, like he had at the end of so many days, he asked, “How did you do that?”

“You would be amazed at what you can get when you ask nicely,” you replied as you texted back and forth with Soonho. The build up to the tour was getting intense. Earlier in the week you had noticed how tired Jiyong was and mentioned it to Soonho. It wasn’t until you saw him this morning that you knew that he wasn’t just tired. You’d seen burn-out before and decided to intervene.

Before Jiyong lost the battle to stay awake, he managed to say, “Let’s go to your place.” Jiyong heard you tell the driver the address to the studio, then you were waking him up.

Getting into your apartment, Jiyong walked directly to your bedroom, stripping his clothes as he went and leaving a trail from the kitchen to your bed. Tonight, like the night before, wasn’t about getting laid. As he crawled under the covers, he asked, “Are you coming?”

“I need to shower,” you replied from the kitchen.

Rolling onto his back, Jiyong didn’t tell you to hurry up. He knew how hard you worked and that you were probably already going faster than necessary. When you came into your room and started to undress, he just watched and smiled when you looked over your shoulder at him. This was one of those moments where the line between reality and fantasy ceased to exist.

There was something about how you looked at him that had him convinced that what you two had was real. He had tried to reign these thoughts in, tried to remind himself that it wasn’t more than it seemed, but he couldn’t. Being as lonely as he had been, meeting you and everything that had happened made that desperate need vanish. You made him feel like a real person, like his existence meant more than pumping out music.

He hadn’t fully realized this until you had gotten those other offers. Seeing how many other production companies wanted to work with you and how much they were willing to pay scared him. Then, when you had said the one thing that he dreaded, that he was G Dragon, that loneliness came back. There was more to that conversation, but what mattered was the last thing he remembered you saying that night, that you wanted him to stay.

All he wanted was to be wanted, and that’s what you did. He did his best to not think about how different Kwon Jiyong was from G Dragon, to not separate the two, but it was easier than reconciling these two parts of himself. When he was with you, watching you come out of the shower and get ready for bed, he was Jiyong. He didn’t have to be anything more than that and you seemed happy.

As you got into your bed next to him, he pulled you close. Finally able to close his eyes, he pressed his lips to your shoulder as he whispered, “G’night.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leaning against the door, Jiyong watched in awe as you quickly got your underwear off. A few weeks ago and you would never had gone for something like this, but after that meeting, it was like you couldn’t get enough of him. He didn’t think he’d ever have enough of you, but sometimes, like now, he was content to be passive and let you take the lead.

Leaning against the door, Jiyong watched in awe as you quickly got your underwear off. A few weeks ago and you would never had gone for something like this, but after that meeting, it was like you couldn’t get enough of him. He didn’t think he’d ever have enough of you, but sometimes, like now, he was content to be passive and let you take the lead.

“What are you smiling at?” you asked as you walked toward him.

Shrugging, Jiyong said, “Just happy, I guess.”

“That’s nice, but we don’t have time for you to be happy,” you said, your hands fighting with his pants, “We have less than twenty minutes, and that is if we want to make up an excuse for why you are late.”

Helping you with his belt, Jiyong groaned and his head fell back as you wrapped your hand around his cock. The long hours and stress were still a problem, but when he was with you it was like none of that was real. He couldn’t help but grin as you rolled the condom down his length, he could still remember so vividly when you’d barely been able to touch him like this.

You didn’t understand why Jiyong was being so relaxed about this, it had been his idea and he knew that there was a serious time limit. Taking the initiative, you stood close to him, kissing him as you did your best to get him inside you, which was nearly impossible with him against the door. You wanted more than a quickie in an abandoned office, but with his current schedule, that wasn’t possible.

“Here,” he said, finally snapping out of his daze and gripping your thighs, “Up.”

Giggling, you jumped and wrapped your legs around his waist. You could feel his cock against your sex as he walked to the desk and sat down. This position was awkward, but only if you had to maintain it for a long time. Your knees were resting on the desk, Jiyong’s hands on the backs of your thighs, and your arms around his neck.

“Ready?” he asked, as he carefully let go of one of your legs to line himself up.

Biting your bottom lip as you felt him fill you, you nodded. With the build up in momentum leading toward the tour, this is what sex was like: hurried but satisfying. Jiyong slammed his hips into yours with purpose, no longer worried that he would hurt you if he went too hard. It was frustrating, because you had to be careful not to mark him, that would be a dead giveaway that he was up to something.

You were doing your best to keep quiet, but Jiyong was not. He was moaning and saying your name over and over, but you weren’t going to stop him. This was one of the problems with the arrangement the two of you had. When he would moan your name while looking you dead in the eye as he was fucking you, your ridiculous fantasy would consume you.

“Ji, you- OH MY GOD!” Seunghyun shouted before slamming the door closed.

Frozen as you stared into Jiyong’s eyes, now filled with fear and panic rather than lust, neither of you moved for a few seconds. Because of your job and need to always be on top of everything, you were able to snap out of this stupor quickly. Getting your feet on solid ground and pulling your panties up, you slapped his thigh, “Put  _that_ away and go find him before this gets worse.”

Shaking his head as he got his pants sorted and belt buckled, Jiyong’s mind was racing. There was no way that Seunghyun would run off to tell someone, even Daesung, after something like this. He was a real friend, he wouldn’t do that, Seunghyun would wait to talk before he did anything. However, Jiyong was anticipating a scolding. He didn’t want to hear that he shouldn’t be doing this with you, not now, not when things were going well and he needed this so badly.

Once you were decent, you told Jiyong, “Go find him, I’ll wait here for a minute or two before heading back to the set.”

“Okay,” he said absently. Your words were starting to sink in and he didn’t know which was making him more uneasy: getting told off by his friend or how quickly you seemed to think things had gone to shit.

_Go find him before this gets worse._

Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he left the room without a word. Firmly grounded in reality, there was no way around facing the truth of the situation, at least for now. As he looked for Seunghyun, Jiyong tried to find an easy way to explain what happened. His heart sank as he realized that all the two of you were doing was hooking up. He could exaggerate, say that you were friends with benefits, but that was pushing it. Lately, you’d been his handler, his employee, taking him from one appointment to the next, and having sex when there was more than a fifteen minute break.

“Ji,” Seunghyun hissed, taking Jiyong out of his head, “Want to go smoke?”

Seunghyun’s voice was strained, and Jiyong knew that he wouldn’t hear the end of this for a while. But that wasn’t what had him doubting everything. This realization that any emotional attachment, any deeper meaning to what the two of you were doing was all in his head was too much. He wasn’t sure that he could go back to lying to himself after this. Looking at it rationally and objectively ruined the fantasy.

Outside, Seunghyun dragged him to a secluded part of the lot, and slapped the back of Jiyong’s head, “What the fuck were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t,” Jiyong replied, rubbing the back of his head and glaring at his friend.

Seunghyun was standing close to him now as he angrily whispered, “Anyone could have walked in. The door wasn’t even locked.”

Staring defiantly up at him, Jiyong didn’t say a word. This wouldn’t ruin anything for them, it didn’t make sense that he’d get this mad about the door not being locked.

“You selfish brat,” Seunghyun said dismissively, taking a step back, “You don’t care if you ruin her life, do you?”

Jiyong’s face fell, how could he not have thought about the repercussions for you. Something like this wouldn’t do anything to him, but to make sure there wasn’t a problem the company would get rid of you quickly and quietly. You’d never be able to work again if it was an actual scandal. He couldn’t believe that he hadn’t thought about you, after everything, his stupidity would have cost you everything had anyone else opened that door. Looking up at Seunghyun, Jiyong didn’t know what to say.

Seunghyun scanned the area again to make sure they were still in relative privacy before he asked, “How long?”

Thinking quickly, Jiyong replied, “A few months.”

“Fuck… Does Soonho know at least?” Seunghyun asked and groaned as Jiyong shook his head.

Pacing back and forth as Jiyong lit a cigarette, Seunghyun said quietly, “You need to cover your ass and her’s or you will ruin her fucking life.”

“I… it’s not…” Jiyong didn’t know how to explain. Telling the truth would only irritate Seunghyun more, he knew from experience that what he was doing with you wasn’t something that would get approval. He felt repulsed by how he had been going about this and wondered why he hadn’t realized this before.

Stopping and turning to face Jiyong, Seunghyun said through gritted teeth, “I am not doing this again. You can clean up your own mess, and if you hurt her…”

He couldn’t finish his sentence, but he didn’t need to. Jiyong could practically feel the anger radiating off of Seunghyun. Neither of them had time to do anything else, what was said was said and they needed to get back to work. They walked in together, able to pretend that all was well and good so they could finish filming for the day.

Terrified that Seunghyun would do something rash, Jiyong stayed away from you for the rest of the day. At the next break, you brought him coffee, but you were distant. He watched you smile as you checked your phone and he wondered if he already lost you.

As that thought sunk in, that he wasn’t enough for you, Jiyong knew it was for the best. He needed to end things with you and if you were already over it or mad, it wouldn’t take much. Trying to be practical, he spent the majority of his day trying to think of a good time and way to tell you. No matter what the two of you were stuck together for the foreseeable future, so he knew he had to be kind and considerate, not that he could ever be unnecessarily cruel to you.  The biggest problem was timing. There wasn’t any time to have a conversation that could potentially last hours until after the tour started.

When filming finished for the day, he didn’t bother asking you to come over or if he could stay with you. It hurt, but he needed to start getting over you now. What made it worse was seeing you talking to Seunghyun. The insane idea that this had all been a setup, that Seunghyun had just been trying to get to you filled his head and made walking past the two of you easier. He could be cold, it suited him.

* * *

Staring at the ceiling as he struggled to fall asleep without you, Jiyong knew that he couldn’t end things with you. Even if it was for the best, even if ending things would be easier, he couldn’t do it. He’d run through the scenario so many times in his head, but they always got derailed. Instead of breaking things off, keeping your relationship professional, he’d kiss you, or tell you that he wanted more.

Jiyong rolled onto his side, grabbed a pillow and considered what he really wanted. At night, when it was dark and there was no one around and he could be honest, he knew the answer. He wanted you. He’d known that since the beginning. It wasn’t like a relationship would ruin anything, even going public wouldn’t be a problem. The best example of this was Youngbae, who had done it with minimal problems. People were happy for them.

* * *

Climbing into the car, Jiyong was trying to figure out how he could pull this off. He didn’t care if this happening now would affect album sales or the tour, what he was focused on was his happiness and yours. His certainty that he could make you happy, that he was enough for you kept him going.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wondering what Jiyong was thinking was like trying to do math without a calculator: in theory possible, but completely impractical and giving you a headache. Since the day before he’d been avoiding you, quite obviously, and it stung. You knew it didn’t help that you and Seunghyun had spent most of the day together while he wasn’t busy, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary. You still were friends with him, and Jiyong knew it, but after getting interrupted by the aforementioned friend, it probably wasn’t the best idea.

Wondering what Jiyong was thinking was like trying to do math without a calculator: in theory possible, but completely impractical and giving you a headache. Since the day before he’d been avoiding you, quite obviously, and it stung. You knew it didn’t help that you and Seunghyun had spent most of the day together while he wasn’t busy, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary. You still were friends with him, and Jiyong knew it, but after getting interrupted by the aforementioned friend, it probably wasn’t the best idea.

As soon as Jiyong walked out of that office without a backward glance, you had started to sob, uncharacteristically. It wasn’t for long, like a cloudburst of emotion, as soon as it started it seemed to end. You didn’t know what to say to him, especially after he and Seunghyun came back to the set.

You were so thankful that Seunghyun came over and told you that everything was going to be okay. His reassurance that he wouldn’t tell anyone and that he wasn’t mad was exactly what you needed to hear to help get you through the day. You wished Jiyong had been the one to tell you these things, and at first you didn’t think anything of it. Jiyong was needed back on set for filming as soon as the break ended, but Seunghyun had some time before his next part. It made sense that he had come to talk to you rather than Jiyong.

The day went on and it got worse. Jiyong didn’t even look at you when you brought him his coffee. Normally that was when he would ask about staying over, but he didn’t. After that, you got angry. How had that one moment ruined so much?

You found a quiet spot that was relatively private when you had some time to kill, but you weren’t alone for long. Seunghyun, who had finished filming for the day, found you. He’d been texting you, trying to cheer you up, to reassure you, and when you stopped responding, he went looking.

For a while the two of you continued talking as if nothing was wrong, trying to maintain normalcy, but when Jiyong walked past you without a word it was as if he had slapped you. You felt empty and needed to leave before you made a scene. Seunghyun offered to go out, get a few drinks and keep you company, but that was the last thing you wanted.

You wanted Jiyong. You wanted to call him and beg him to come over. You wanted him to tell you everything was okay. You wanted him to make jokes and try to cheer you up. You wanted him in your bed, holding you close. Despite what you wanted, you couldn’t even text him, and spent the night wallowing in self-doubt and misery.

* * *

Showing up on set, you found Soonho to figure out your tasks for the day. You were happy to hear that it would be the last day of filming, there was still so much you needed to get done on the album that you couldn’t afford another day standing around on a set. Then you remembered what you would be doing: sitting in a studio with Jiyong and a few others meticulously editing and mixing. That would be a nightmare after yesterday.

He still hadn’t said a word, hadn’t called, hadn’t texted. Complete radio silence from Jiyong was worrying, but Seunghyun had explained part of the reason. He’d gone off on Jiyong about the risks involved with what the two of you were doing. You were well aware of the risk, something like this would ruin your career, and you didn’t need to be reminded of that. It started to make sense, why Jiyong would pull away after that, then those four words were back.

How could four words, something that a person could say in normal conversation under normal circumstances or as a joke, fill you with so much dread? The stress of keeping all of this a secret was starting to get to you. You wanted your friend back, even if that meant he was only your friend. Maybe he was feeling the same way, but didn’t know how to get out. That hurt, and you did your best to make it through your day without letting it show.

* * *

At the end of the day, your phone went off and you checked it, assuming it was Soonho.

Even though he’d sent similar messages, the fact that he hadn’t said anything else made you sick to your stomach. Preparing yourself for the worst, you didn’t want to drag this out so you tried giving him an easy out.

You didn’t know where he was or who he was with, but your phone rang a few seconds after you sent the message. About to get into the car and head home, you didn’t want to hear his voice. Again, you were certain that whatever had been going on was over and you just wanted it to be done. This was more than you signed up for, and the more you thought about it, you didn’t even remember signing up for anything. It was supposed to be just sex, but it wasn’t. Now you were miserable and so was he.

Rolling your eyes, you tried to think of something that wouldn’t come off as petty, but you had nothing. You didn’t want to see him, because he didn’t want to see you. He’d made a point of avoiding you even though you work for him. He barely said a word to you in over 24 hours, and now he gets pissy about you not wanting to see him or answer his calls. Fuck that.

As you waited for him to reply, you asked the driver to stop at the liquor store. It was ridiculous for you to get a car all to yourself, but Soonho had insisted and you weren’t about to let it go to waste. Once you were back inside the car and about fifteen minutes away from apartment, you checked your phone.

_Well shit_ , you thought as you tried to figure out what he wanted. You were certain that if he came over the two of you would fuck and little talking would get done. Then he’d leave and everything would go back to the way it was: a confusing mess. Closing your eyes after you typed out your reply, you knew that you had to send it, but it made everything worse. This wasn’t like before when you asked him to stop, this was complicated. You had no delusions about his feelings, which in your mind, all of his feelings toward you originated below the belt.

Again, your phone was ringing, but you ignored it. You were home and needed a glass of wine. Halfway through your first glass, you caved and answered one of his calls, “I asked you-”

“I know, but you-”

“No, Ji, you don’t,” you said as you stood up and started pacing, “You ignored me, made my job almost impossible to do and now you want to talk? What about last night? You say nothing and now you want to come over and act concerned-”

“I’m sorry!” he shouted, and you went silent. After a minute he continued, “I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t. This isn’t how this is supposed to happen.”

“I’m going to bed,” you said, trying to keep your voice even so he wouldn’t hear how upset you were, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Y/N, I-” he started, but you ended the call before he heard you begin to cry in earnest.

* * *

Half a bottle of wine later and your phone rang again. Without a second thought you answered it, “You aren’t coming over, and you need to go to bed. You have a 7am call and-”

“Y/N?”

That voice was not Jiyong’s. It was deep and you knew exactly who it was. He had never called you though, and after everything you had assumed it was Jiyong. Groaning loudly, you said, “I can’t talk, Seunghyun.”

“He called me.”

Dropping your head, you didn’t want to know what was going on. You wanted to get drunk and forget about all of this until you had to deal with it tomorrow. “I really don’t want to talk about it. He took his sweet time talking to me, I’m just returning the favor,” you said as you got up to get another glass of wine.

“I’m here if you need someone to talk to,” he said, and his voice made your mind wander.

Sighing, you thanked him and hung up. After you got off the phone, you wondered how different things would have been with Seunghyun. You probably wouldn’t be working with Jiyong, and you certainly wouldn’t be hiding anything. That alone was something you longed for.

You had shied away from these thoughts before, but after everything, now you indulged. Seunghyun made his intentions clear, where Jiyong was nearly impossible to read. You still didn’t know what exactly was going on and it was driving you crazy. Even though you’d never say it aloud, you decided that if Jiyong did end things and Seunghyun was still interested, you’d give him a chance.

No promises, no plans, just something to think about and to give you some hope. You weren’t sure if he even felt that way anymore or if he ever had, but for now you could go to sleep assuming someone still thought you were more than whatever you were to Jiyong. Every thought of him that crossed your mind made your heart ache. As you laid in bed, trying to distract yourself, you started to cry again.

If things ended with Jiyong, what were you supposed to do, act like everything was fine? Were you supposed to quit? You didn’t think he’d fire you, but you also didn’t think he’d act like this. Everything was so confusing, and as if on cue, those fucking words were in your head.

The entire memory replayed. How his body felt against yours, how good it felt to have his arms around you, and how sweet his voice had been. Those words had been guiding you this entire time, but now you didn’t know what to do. Rolling onto your side, you slowly drifted off to sleep as you ignored your racing thoughts.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I am not late, Soonho!” you shouted at your door as you pushed your hair out of your face, “You need to stick to the schedule that you made!”

“I am not late, Soonho!” you shouted at your door as you pushed your hair out of your face, “You need to stick to the schedule that  _you_ made!”

Still in pajamas, you unlocked your door and nearly collapsed where you stood.

“Hi,” Jiyong said, and he looked like shit. His hair was a mess, his clothes hanging off him, and it was clear he was exhausted.

Taking a minute to sort out what was happening without the help of caffeine, you asked, “Did you sleep?”

He nodded, “Yeah, I just look like shit. Can I come in?”

You wanted to tell him ‘no’. You should tell him ‘no’. You needed to tell him ‘no’. Even though you knew better, you stepped aside to let him walk into your apartment. You weren’t going to be able to refuse him right now, if you ever could. Locking the door and going into the kitchen, you asked, “Want some coffee?”

“I can get it,” he offered, but you waved your hand, dismissing him. Jiyong took a few steps back and watched you. The silence became intense with every passing minute, and he couldn’t take it. Shifting his weight from foot to foot, he finally blurted, “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” you said as you handed him a cup of coffee, “But it doesn’t change how I feel.”

He set his cup down and took a deep breath, “I told Soonho I was picking you up today, and that we are working at the studio all day.”

Closing your eyes as you drank, you couldn’t understand why he was doing this now. It didn’t make sense to go to all this trouble just for sex. You knew people did stupid things for sex, but he could get laid anytime, he didn’t need you for that. Without looking up from your cup, you asked, “Why?”

“Like I said last night, I miss you,” he said, and he sounded so defeated.

You knew exactly how stupid this was. He seemed to have that effect on you, turning your brain to pudding was something that he could do without even trying. Downing the rest of your coffee, you set the cup in the sink, and said, “You see me everyday, how can you miss me…”

“I don’t know, I just do,” he said, not moving an inch as he continued, “I think… I always miss you.”

Feeling your eyes sting, you didn’t want to cry anymore, not over him and not today. Taking a minute to gather your thoughts, you turned around and said, “I need to get ready.”

* * *

By lunch, you were certain he could get you to kill for him if he really put his mind to it. You weren’t mad anymore and that pissed you off. You didn’t think you could be truly angry with him as he ran his fingers through your hair. His lips were gentle against yours, like he had reverted to thinking he’d break you if he was too rough, but you didn’t mind.

You had an hour before you had to be back in the studio, and his whispered promises of wanting to enjoy the entire hour with you was enough. Jiyong was so sweet and affectionate, you weren’t sure if you were imagining it.

“I still miss you,” he whispered, knowing that he could finally say what he needed to say without actually saying it. Those words set him free. Able to express himself at last, he let go and savored every moment he got to spend with you.

Making sure the door was locked you placed your hands on his neck, “Everyone else is taking off early today.”

“I know,” he said, excitement and nervous energy coursing through him at what he had planned. Tonight was the night. He was going to tell you everything.

“Are we actually going to be working?” you asked, already well aware that if he was like this at lunch, there was no way work would be getting done if it was just the two you were alone.

Shaking his head as he pressed his body against yours, “I planned something… just for you.”

You tried to pass your moan off as a sigh, but knew that it was obvious what you were reacting to. He was barely touching you, so there was no denying that you had had a physical reaction to his words.

“It’s a surprise,” he whispered as he kissed along your neck. With no intention of trying to fuck you in another office, those hurried moments haunted him. He wanted you to know, from now on, that you were important, you mattered, and trying to get laid during a break didn’t do any of that.

You ran your hand down his side and to the front of his pants, stroking his cock through his pants, “I don’t like surprises.”

Jiyong put his hand over yours, not to pull your hand away but to keep you from going too far. He wouldn’t be able to explain properly until tonight, and he didn’t want to discourage you, the risk of hurting you again too great. Between kisses, he said, “You are going to like this one.”

Groaning, you decided that there were worse things. You checked the time, and said, “We have half an hour left.”

Almost panicking, Jiyong tired to think of a way to distract you from sex, he asked, “Can we keep doing this?”

“This is enough?” you asked, without thinking.

He tilted his head as you draped your arms on his shoulders, and he whispered, “For now.”

Ignoring his phone, Jiyong enjoyed this quiet moment with you, anticipating more to come. He wished that the two of you could leave now, but he had to show some restraint and act like an adult. Now that he had made up his mind, he wanted to be who you thought he was. He had been that guy at one point, but he had gotten lost in the last few years.

Lunch over, you and Jiyong went back to the studio to find it empty. Confused, Jiyong didn’t notice the note left on the desk, but you did. Grabbing it, you read it and held it out to him.

Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he saw he had a bunch of missed calls from Soonho. Jiyong did what he was told and called his manager, who picked up after the first ring.

_“Jiyong? Where have you been?”_

“I’m at the studio, I was having lunch. What’s-”

_“It’s Sarah.”_

Jiyong’s face fell. Soonho’s obvious panic was unheard of. No matter what happened, Soonho was always calm and collected. Jiyong glanced at you and pointed to the door before he left the studio. Whatever Sarah was doing, he didn’t want you to hear about it or see him react to it.

* * *

All his plans for that evening were ditched. Jiyong couldn’t do or say anything, not now. At this point he wasn’t even sure he should be seen with someone, but this wasn’t your fault. For now the two of you needed to keep things quiet.

Even he knew that keeping things quiet wouldn’t work for long. Sarah seemed hellbent on making moving on impossible. He wondered if she could really be this petty, but he already knew the answer to that.

“You okay?” you asked, packing up for the night.

Shaking his head, Jiyong tried to smile as he lied, “Yeah, I’m fine, ready to go?”

The walk to your apartment was nerve wracking. He would tell you about everything, but he needed some time to process. It wasn’t even what Sarah had done that had him so disjointed, it was Soonho. Jiyong had brought up the topic of him dating, despite everything else, and Soonho had shot it down. Never had he been explicitly told to not do something like this, but he understood why.

Right now, with what was about to happen, Jiyong shouldn’t be seen hopping from one woman to another. His reputation was on the line and he needed to be above all of this, but that was only for the public. In private, he could be with you. He hadn’t brought you up with Soonho, merely the vague concept that he might meet someone.

As you got dinner ready, he wondered if how Soonho would have reacted had he been completely honest about the situation. Jiyong knew that not telling him everything and being transparent wouldn’t end well, but for now, Soonho needed to stay in the dark. Jiyong wanted to see how you would react to everything before he went any further.

“You are a terrible liar,” you muttered as you sat next to him.

His eyes went wide as he was ripped out of his thoughts, “What?”

“Something is bugging you and I know it has to do with whatever Soonho was freaking out about,” you said nonchalantly.

“Yeah,” Jiyong sighed, figuring now was better than never, “I actually have something I need to talk to you about.”

“Shoot,” you said, bracing yourself for the worst.

Jiyong, as best he could and as gently, explained. Sarah, his ex girlfriend, who he had only dated for a few months, had given an interview. Jiyong assumed that she had been bitter because they had been asking her about him rather than her career, so this was her way of lashing out. The interviewer had contacted the production company to fact check, and that’s when the shit hit the fans.

Sarah had made comments about Jiyong’s sex life, their relationship, and how he treated people beneath him. None of it was complementary, and Soonho had been able to get much of it taken out of the article before they posted, but damage would still be done. Once he had finished speaking, Jiyong waited. He had watched your face fall with each new fact, and the hope that you wouldn’t react like Soonho began to disintegrate.

Standing and taking your plate and glass, you walked to the kitchen without a word. First Seunghyun caught the two of you, now there would be an article that would tarnish his reputation. You knew that no matter how much Soonho was able to get taken out, what would be left would be a nightmare for the next few weeks, if not months. Assuming of course that something else didn’t happen to make the situation even worse. This was the last thing that needed to happen before tour, and all you could think was that he needed to get out of your apartment.

If anyone found out that he was here, then anything in that article could be assumed correct. Looking up at him, you said, “You need to go home, now.”

“No one knows I’m here,” he started, dread making it difficult to think clearly, “Nothing has to change for us-”

“There is no us,” you said, your anger at his blind ignorance getting the better of you.

It was in the open now, punctuated by the agonizing silence that filled the room. Jiyong stared at you, unable to speak as you turned away from him. Nodding to himself, he grabbed his bag and stood by the door. He waited for a moment, hoping you’d turn around to look at him, but you didn’t. Closing the door, he knew what he needed to do but it was not what he wanted to do.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spending the rest of Saturday and most of Sunday alone, Jiyong was starting to wonder if what he was feeling was worth it. His reputation was important, but if he had to maintain that at the cost of losing someone who made him feel like he was more than a paycheck; it wasn’t. The text from Soonho on Sunday afternoon solidified his resolve. They had gotten the interview pulled.

Spending the rest of Saturday and most of Sunday alone, Jiyong was starting to wonder if what he was feeling was worth it. His reputation was important, but if he had to maintain that at the cost of losing someone who made him feel like he was more than a paycheck; it wasn’t. The text from Soonho on Sunday afternoon solidified his resolve. They had gotten the interview pulled.

Jiyong knew that he had to act now, calling you and hoping that you would answer, but was disappointed when every call went to voicemail. He tried texting but got nowhere. Grabbing his bag from Saturday night that he hadn’t unpacked, he headed over to your apartment.

* * *

You couldn’t work, but you got all your chores done and then some. While cleaning your kitchen, you heard your phone going off. Checking it, you didn’t bother answering. This was how he was. He might not be a diva when it came to work, but with you he was nothing else. You weren’t mad at him though, you were mad at yourself for letting it get this far.

Earlier in the day you had done some research. Looking up Sarah had been a mistake, but now you knew what you needed to do. She was a model, which you had assumed, but seeing her work made you wonder how anyone could even see you when there were people like this in the world. Then you found pictures of her and Jiyong together, and you knew that you were making the right decision. Despite what he said, there was no denying that you didn’t fit. You could be his friend, maybe even a close friend, but you would never be more than that, it wasn’t possible.

That’s when you started cleaning, and hadn’t stopped until there was a knock at your door. Walking to the door as quietly as you could, hoping that you could pretend you weren’t home if you didn’t want to answer it, you looked through the peephole. Of course it was Jiyong. Keeping quiet was your top priority as you backed away from the door, going to your room so he wouldn’t hear you.

“Y/N, please…” he said, and you were reminded of those four words.

Angry with yourself that you’d let something he said when he was half asleep months ago get to you like this, you opened the door. It wasn’t like you’d ever intentionally hurt him, but those words would haunt you until your dying day. Even though he had said them to himself thinking that you were asleep, and you knew that everyone felt that way. No matter how he tried to present himself, he was vulnerable, probably more than a normal person. That was why you couldn’t refuse him and why you were being so unrelentingly stupid when it came to him.

He stood in the doorway for a moment before walking past you. The urge to drag you to your bedroom or push you against the door was strong, but he resisted. He needed to prove, not just to you but to himself, that he wanted more than that. However, seeing you had reality crashing down around him.

His fantasy had crumbled, and seeing you now had his plan following the same path. He’d hurt you, again and again. You were a person just like he was, which he knew but hadn’t really considered until now. He couldn’t believe how tired you looked, but the way that you were looking at him made him feel like just another asshole. Wanting to leave, to spare you anymore pain, was all he could think of, but knew that it would only result in causing more damage.

“What do you want?” you asked, walking back to the kitchen to put away your cleaning supplies.

Too aware of what he had been doing to you now to follow you, Jiyong stayed by the door and said weakly, “I wanted to talk.”

“So talk,” you said absently, still facing away from him.

“I…” he started, but saw your shoulders fall and knew what he had to do. His chest felt tight and his mouth fought against him. He didn’t want to say these words to you, but knew that this was the only way to keep from doing anymore damage. Trying to rationalize what he was about to do, considering it a vaccine against him and all his misery. Glad that he didn’t have to see your face, he let the words tumble from his lips, “I think we need to stop… this.”

You stared blankly ahead. You knew that this would come, thought you had prepared yourself for it, but you were wrong. As best as you could, you tried to stay calm, but those four words were back. Repeating over and over again, but not in his voice, not like they had been. It was like your mind was trying to protect you with them.

Doing your best to keep your voice level, you said, “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He couldn’t stay, everything in him told him to run, and that’s what he did. Opening the door and walking out, but the part of him that wanted to be with you made it impossible for him to really leave. Standing outside your door, knowing you were probably falling apart on the other side and it was entirely his fault, was all he could think of when he heard something.

Turning to stare at the door, he thought he had imagined or misheard, but when you slammed your fist against the door and said it again. There was no denying what he heard and his mind raced. Remembering everything about that moment months ago, Jiyong felt like his blood had turned to ice.

_He had been holding you, for the first time, really holding you, and felt truly good, like everything was right in the world. The way your hair smelled, how your body felt in his arms, and your steady breathing as you fell asleep, that moment was perfect. After a few minutes he was dozing off as his mind wandered. All those fears that he had, of abandonment, of being used, were creeping in. He thought you were asleep, but now he knew better. As those words left his lips, his silent prayer that you weren’t like the others, and felt your body shift, he knew now that you had heard him. But that wasn’t true. When you didn’t say anything, he assumed that you had been asleep, that you hadn’t heard him, now he knew the truth._

Knocking on the door, gently as he said, “I’m sorry, please… let me back inside.”

You didn’t respond. He could hear you on the other side of the door, breathing heavily, and there was nothing he could do. All his fears that you would be the one that would do this to him were unfounded, and he didn’t think he’d ever get your voice out of his head. Backing away from the door, you said it again, and he had to leave. He couldn’t listen to you saying those words, reminding him of all he had done to you. Before he was down the hall, he heard you again, and knew that he would pay for what he had done as you repeated his words, “Please don’t hurt me.”


End file.
